Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Whupping Ass and Names for the Taking

Holly Wanna Crack-Ya can tunnel like an elementary particle. You can’t tell how she gets past the guards. She’ll skate up behind two of them and just keep pace, right on their tails, until, perhaps from the natural sashaying that comes from pushing with alternating feet, a space opens between them and then sftt she’s through them and in front. There’s never a tussle, never a tumbling out of bounds like often happens to other jammers.

She gets way out ahead of the pack, and then there’s a lap or two where she’s alone. Her legs and feet brace firmly to carve turns, but her upper body slouches, her arms wheel as if barely keeping her upright, and her head stays down as if raising it and taking in her surroundings would finally unbalance her. But she knows who’s watching. When she doesn’t need her arms for stabilization, she pumps her fingers above her head, and the audience recognizes her “jazz hands” and goes wild.

Few rollergirls keep their midriffs bare, but Holly does, showing its tanned, tapering sides and an abdomen not of washboard texture, but twin stout cords. She is tight like a sound booth, devoid of fatty reverberation, when she smacks her belly with both hands to signal the end of a jam (her prerogative as lead jammer) while skidding out of bounds directly in front of us amid a protective cluster of teammates.

That’s her in the picture there, in the front row, the leftmost fully visible person, all smiles and autographs when it’s finally over. Forget soccer or baseball -- at this sport, you can easily take your kids to meet the players when it’s over.

Some other rollergirls take turns in the role of jammer, and the mini-skirted Mini Mauser has a saucy smile while rounding the curves and looking back across the track at the guards she has passed. But she and the others are not nearly as wiley as Holly, and the team keeps putting Holly back in to run up the points and finally win by about 50.

Penelope Bruz and Heavy Flo were my favorite names until Svetx said there used to be a Sylvia Wrath who has retired.

Miss Treat and Killy Wabbit need some help with their names, so in the spirit of Rocktoberizing the year and dreaming up fresh racehorse names for the parlance of our times, here some suggestions from the blogger-king of silly names:

Anna Creamin-ya

Christina Strangulera

Conk-n-squeeze-ya Rice

Mary Magdelinquent

Liz Claymore

Pillory Clinton

Christiane Right

Molly Flintlock

Tess of the Butcherkills

Mary Elizabeth Mashyournoseandtoes

Mary Please Harder

Mary McPummel

Killary Duff

Sarah Impalin’

Moll Slammers

Michelle O’Bomb-ya

Christine Todt Whippin’em

Maggie Kill’em-all

Tina Slay

Flo the Pummeler

Sarah Disembowel

Posh Slice


Jerry said...

Disgrace Kelly

Elrond Hubbard said...

Stockade Channing

Elrond Hubbard said...

Hedda Grappler

I just remembered that I had heard there had been a Tipper Gore. I was trying to think of a "Toni Gorisson" or something like that, but with my sophomoric review of Beloved I've already sown too much bad karma with respect to that writer.


Elrond Hubbard said...

Cindy McPain

Elrond Hubbard said...

Donna Shillelagh

Jessica T. said...


Holly Eden said...

i am so flattered by this blog. thank you so much!

fyi: here is the national roller derby roster of names...enjoy :)


will you be coming to our next game on december 7?

thank you, thank you, thank you,
holly wanna crackya

Elrond Hubbard said...

Wow, thanks Holly, it's an honor to have your comment! Good luck to you and the team this Sunday. I hope to be there.

Meanwhile, they just keep coming:

Maiming van Doren

Elrond Hubbard said...

Hillary Buff

Maiming Nora

Mary Elizabeth Mastranglernio


Elrond Hubbard said...

Lady Gag-Order

Elrond Hubbard said...

Zoe Tolerance

Elrond Hubbard said...

Catherine DeNerve

Catheter the Great