Friday, September 11, 2009

The Craft Talk

This post and the previous one are old emails I sent out in the summer of 2005 when I was at an art colony, and writer Lorrie Moore was also there. The colony organized a "craft talk" with us writers and Moore, in the dining room of one of the houses there, with all of us at the long table.

On the subject of writing about one’s family members, but being worried about what they might think, Moore said that she was recently at a conference with lots of other famous writers, including David Sedaris and Rick Moody, and they all said that none of their family members read their stuff -- not their siblings, or parents, and certainly not their children. “Children, thank goodness, are never interested in what a parent is writing.”

Someone in our group asked, “What about spouses?”

Moore said, “Hmm, well. I guess I didn’t include spouses as family.”

Frank asked her if the Center director had picked her up from the airport on his bicycle the night before.

“No,” she said, “But I think I offended him. He was telling me about these famous quotes that he has put up around his office -- things from Kant, and Thoreau, and so on like that, and I said, ‘What, no Judy Garland?’ I think he took offense at that. I was just trying to make a joke.”

I was waiting for Frank to try to embarrass me. At one point, our group sort of broke up in laughter, and Frank joined in with an artificial “Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Moore noticed this. “Oh, that,” she said, looking straight at him through the commotion. “Well, that was more of a scream,” she said, very seriously.

Frank said, “No, I was saying that, because it follows from something he said.” He pointed at me.

But by then, we had all moved on.

Humor in writing had to come up. Someone asked her how to include humor in work. Moore said that some people have spent their lives looking at things a funny way, and in their writing, they find they can make connections like that as well. “But I have a problem with being silly,” she said. “I have to work to keep that in check.”

Really? So what we get in her published work is silliness in check?

What writers does she recommend that we read? Alice Munro, among others. There is a strong Grace Paley contingent here, and someone in the room named her, but Moore said, “Oh, maybe. I used to be, really. But not as much any more.”

Continue . . .

Thursday, September 10, 2009

It's Like I Remembered It


We knew to look for humor and darkness all at once, and it was there in the first sentence. "Winter came early, catching the songbirds off guard." Since Lorrie Moore's reading in 2005 at the Vermont Studio Center where I spent a month, I've been quoting that first line to people. If I recall correctly, her new novel was past deadline then. Now it's over four years later than that, and finally it has come out. I've read some portions on Amazon and found the first sentence to be the same. And the business about 9/11 in the first chapter, which was not mentioned by the NPR reviewer (making me fear it had been taken out) was still there. So it is as I remembered it . . . the part she read, at least.

I was funny back at art colony. I hung with the abstract painters on the porch of the Wolf Kahn building, and they called me a writer. Fours years later I'm still working on the same story I was working on then. I've lost inspiration for it. I just need to get past it to do something else. I do some other random writing and the occasional blog entry and I have this sci-fi idea for something else I'd like to write, but I know that I run out of gas pretty quickly in sci-fi so I have not started.

I was in touch back then. I, and others, ate meals with Lorrie Moore. I have a story that she critiqued, with her notes in the margins. She said it was a real story and it was "almost ready" (to publish). I still don't know what to do with it to make it completely ready. I just don't know.

I like thinking about that summer. On the occasion of her new novel coming out, I'm reprinting an email I sent to friends about the first night Moore showed up at art colony.

The painters and sculptors are wondering what the big deal is. All the writers are leaning close to each other and talking about her. “I went through a phase where I was like, ‘Lorrie Moore, Loorie Moore,’”one says, waving her hands as if in Pentecostal prayer. “And then I was like, ‘Oh, she’s clever, she’s just so clever.’ But then I’ve been reading her again, and I’m like, ‘Oh yeah, this is good. This is fantastic.’”

“She’s really a dark writer,” says a tall, skinheaded Jewish writer from Boston, the first deep Lorrie Moore fan I really talked to here.

Yes, indeed. One of the very darkest.

“That story with that word repeated for three pages? What is it? ‘Stop’?” he said.

I reminded him that the word is “Ha!” and the story is “Real Estate.”

He went on, “In that story, the guy who lives in the attic, who’s not supposed to be there? His name is Tod. Which is German for death. Death has moved into the house with them.”

I hadn’t thought of it that way.

Frank is a gray-bearded writer, a teacher at a prep school in Connecticut. He always sits at the head of a long table at meal times and holds court. As you carry your tray in, you can see him there and decide whether you want to sit near him for that meal, or far from him. He actually is not much of a Lorrie Moore fan. It’s not that he’s uptight -- he could qualify as “hippie,” in my estimation. It’s just that she is, well, post-hippie -- the generation wallowing in the hippies’ wake, “masturbating and doomed like outlaws,” as she put it.

Frank can’t remember the name of the Moore collection he started reading and did not finish, and he makes fun of my infatuation.

“Are you stalking her?” he said. “I’m going to come to your studio. And if you have enlarged pictures of her tacked up all over, I’m going to be very worried.”

I said I have copies of her books all over my studio which is, by my request, also my bedroom.

“That’s even stranger,” said Frank.

(Lots of the writers here have their studios as their bedrooms. But more than half, by their request, are corralled in little offices surrounding a central room with a laser printer.)

This morning, at breakfast, Frank said to me, “I heard the weatherman on the radio today. He said Lorrie Moore’s sleigh was sighted flying over the Midwest. Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho.”

I said, “No, it’s Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! . . . .”

Frank said, “When she’s around, [Elrond] will have to wear his Depends.”

At mid-afternoon, I was alone in the dining room getting tea. Frank wandered in. “Is she here yet?” he said, looking around.

As some of you know, they have no trays here, so you have to get your plate with your entree, and maybe your drink, set that down, and then go to the salad bar and get that and go back to your seat. And about half the time, the salad bar is more substantial than the gourmet, often vegetarian, entree. (I have done something I never do. I have bought potato chips and onion dip for my room, for Chrissakes) So, at dinner, I was in the stage of fetching my salad, when I saw a newcomer just then taking her seat. There are lots of newcomers each mealtime. Staff members come back from vacations, other residents arrive late. As my gaze passed by this one, I felt a sting like a knife stabbing up my ass. Jesus Lord Mercy. Finish taking that step, yes, that’s right, now take another and continue on your way.

I went back to my seat, which, by chance, was at the head of the long table parallel to Frank’s. So he and I were looking down our respective tables. And directly in my line of sight, facing me at the next table, was this particular newcomer.

I ducked so that another diner was between me and her, and whispered to Courtney “See Lorrie Moore over there? Don’t look.” Courtney was craning her neck all around. She saw, and ducked suddenly, putting her hand over her mouth.

“I have to tell somebody,” she said. “Where’s Elisa?”

Elisa is about half my age and has a published short story collection and a novel contract with Simon and Schuster. I learned this from her, without probing, in the first 4 minutes of knowing her. Later that day, my very cool housemate Daniel said to me, “I met someone with a published short story collection and a novel contract-”

“Elisa” I said, cutting him off. “I know.”

Anyway, Elisa gets kudos for knowing her Lorrie Moore stuff deeply. But she was not in the room right then. I said to Courtney, “You can tell Frank.”

So she got up and went and told Frank. He rose slightly to look over the heads down his table. Courtney and I redoubled our ducking as if to compensate for his indiscretion.

Frank looked at me and nodded, giving somber approval.

Word got around the room. One writer after another was twisting in their chair, looking. We all wanted to talk to her, and nobody did. Courtney, all during the meal, was breathing deeply and fanning herself. She’s dramatic like that.

Elisa finally came in. I wanted us to watch her and see how long it took her to notice. But Courtney went to her, and they were gabbing right behind Lorrie Moore’s back.

Meanwhile, what’s up with the real Lorrie Moore these days?

Her hair is not black, as it appears to be in the black and white photo, but brown. Or maybe it’s colored nowadays. It still swings gayly from the central part, just like in the black and white photo. Her eyes seem bigger in real life, but still slant downward ,sympathetically, toward their outer corners, as if even the most scathing critique she could deliver would not really be so bad. Her eyebrows are thicker than in the photo, “a holdover from the fur trade,” as she wrote of her first person narrator in “Frog Hospital.”

She is older than in the photo, sure, but to use her own words, “In this neck of the woods, she is still the neck of the woods.” She smiled at her tablemates the whole meal, or at least, all the few seconds total I allowed myself to look directly at her. She had the Center director on one side, wearing his bicycle outfit.

“Do you think he came in all sweaty, in his bicycle outfit, on purpose?” said Courtney.

Frank said the same thing later. Later still, we were to learn from her some of what was said at the table. The Center director was telling her about his collection, in his office, of framed quotes from famous people.

"What," Moore said. "No Judy Garland?"

Just as if she were one of us, Moore bussed her own dishes.

More to follow in the blog . . .

Continue . . .

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Seriously? O'Reilly Autoparts?


So a new autoparts store has come from the heartland to compete with our "Advance" i.e. "Progressive."

Do they ever expect liberals to shop there? I hear O'Reilly fuses don't fit in the usual sockets because they are too SHORT. Honk! And their radiator fluid needs to be changed more frequently because of the SETTLEMENT! And you have to be extra careful not to overinflate your tires so they don't BLOVIATE. And they don't believe in lithium. Those fruity, psychiatrist-prescribed batteries have nothing on good ol' lead acid discipline.

Continue . . .

Friday, August 14, 2009

Neither Victory Nor Defeat


Just danger and damage are what bomb specialists experience in The Hurt Locker. It's like video production in the sense that you go somewhere with a certain amount of equipment packed into a van, you don't know what you are going to face, and the job might turn out to be a lot crazier than you thought. And when it's over, normal life seems relatively pointless. Of course, in war, the danger, adrenaline rush, need to release anxiety later, and disassociation from normal American life are a million times greater.

While Svetx disliked the use of slow-mo in one shot at the end, I welcomed the movie's tendency toward understatement in several respects. Like Full Metal Jacket, it kept a detached distance from characters and concentrated on circumstances instead of emotions. Like a good European movie, it did not try to tell the audience what to think. Each scene did not lead to the next in the literal sense of Hollywood flicks where it's too clear what is going to happen. Instead we get what I think are very realistic portrayals of aspects of a soldier's life: giddy optimism in approaching a new bomb to be diffused; raw acknowledgment that in the next instant, he could be toast; and the rough carousing later in the barracks. (I've never been in a war nor even in the military, so you could question my judgment on this.) In the end, what each soldier has is a personal experience. He goes over there, survives or dies, and comes home. There is neither victory parade nor shameful defeat.

Next time some politician starts saying we need to go to war in another country, the real question is, do we want to engage in a counterinsurgency lasting many years and leading to the establishment of a government that is what its own people make it, not what we dream of for them, and likely not worth our money and lives?

Continue . . .

Friday, July 31, 2009

The Housemate Sessions go Mellow

I edited four more of Housemate D's songs today. They are very mellow. I'll just put up two of them here.



For other installments in The Housemate Sessions, click my Music subject.

Continue . . .

Thursday, July 23, 2009

First Instance of "Large-Scale" Algae Farm


Solix Biofuels, a long time member of my algae watchlist, inoculated their newly-completed algae ponds with microalgae on July 16. Production of algae oil should be in full-swing by the end of summer. They predict they will produce 3,000 gallons of oil per acre by the end of this year. This is the first time I know of that the phrase "large scale" has been applied to an algae farm demonstration.

Another company, the non-profit CEHMM in New Mexico, plans to start selling algae oil off its own open-air pond on September 1.

These developments, along with recent advances by Origin Oil and Exxon's announcement of their $600 million investment in algae farming in partnership with geneticist Craig Venter of Synthetic Genomics means things are moving along for this source of second-generation biofuel. Stay tuned!

Continue . . .

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

This Takes All The Fun Out Of It


. . . but also saps credibility of Exxon-funded climate change deniers.

Though they have worked through the American Enterprise Institute to fund global warming doubters, spent $16 million between 1998 and 2005 at the AEI and other organizations on such propaganda (see previous link), and still fund global warming doubters after stating in 2008 that they would cut such funding, these goons have now announced that they will sink $600 million into algae research for growing fuel oil. Apparently, they have been investigating alternative energy in private for years. After considering many possibilities, they have decided that algae is the best course to pursue. And this $600 million commitment, if it is true, sure does outweigh their denials of the need for alternative fuels.

Update: Business Week has an article describing Exxon's attitude on this.

Maybe it was this pressure from the Rockefellers and other shareholders that caused Exxon to change its tack.

In this new venture, Exxon is working with Craig Venter who genetically engineers algae for optimal oil production, and has even created algae that secretes its oil so that the oil does not need to be harvested from the cells.

So I guess I gotta add Exxon to my algae watchlist. The climate is changing indeed!

Continue . . .

Friday, July 10, 2009

Palin Reality TV: I Called It!

I first suggested a Palin reality TV show back on 11/17/08 in a comment on this post at the former Mudflats location. Now Levi Johnston has mentioned it. You know it would be huge. It's all she ever wanted anyway. And I called it. Most of politics is thinly veiled reality TV, attracting narcissists with no shame. The veil is thinnest of all with Palin.

So how about some show title suggestions:

Trailin' Palin
Much Ado about the Shrew
No Taxes, Just Taxidermy
Tantrums and Tangents: The Calculus of Raising Trig
Speaking in Tongues
The Maverick Matriarch

Continue . . .

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

China Could Kick Our Butts in Algae

. . . if we don't get our act together. China is investing heavily in algae farms, powered by wind, to sequestrate their voluminous CO2 emissions. I was just saying the other day that wind could power algae farms in southwestern United States. I've also said that I think a lot of the elements for successful algae farming do exist -- someone just needs to bring them together for the right kind of farm. If China beats us on this thing, I'm gonna be seriously pissed.

Like nearly all algae ventures, China's is in development stages and is a few years away from commercial production. So they are not necessarily way ahead of us.

Meanwhile, Buffalo Bill from the last entry wants to make sure his own government is not funding algae farming. I'm gonna guess he doesn't mind his government having funded installing the third most corrupt government in the world in Iraq because that's serious patriotic wartime freedom stuff. So maybe he won't mind if our own Pentagon gets into algae farming. After all, tanks and jets need fuel too!

The closest thing our country has to a commercially operating algae farm, that I know of, is this farm run by the state-funded Center for Excellence in Hazardous Materials Management in New Mexico. They bill this as a commercial demonstration farm. I presume this means that, while every algae company has a small bioreactor that demonstrates their process, this farm will demonstrate it on a larger, more commercial scale. It's due to start production in September, and I'm looking forward to it.

Continue . . .

Algae Exec Stuffs Fox News' Willard


I have not been following Cody Willard, but he looks to me like another failed attempt, like Tucker Carlson, to make conservatism look youthful and cool while actually being just a whining chump.

So here's this short segment from Fox News' Happy Hour (also viewable off this page) where they introduce algae, "that same stuff you try to keep off the inside of your fish tank," as some funky new kind of energy source -- as if they have not already had a bald algae executive on their show.

There is a lot in the video. The CEO of Origin Oil, Riggs Eckelberry, says that getting oil out of algae is ten times more expensive than getting it out of a seed. I had not known of this drastic discrepancy. It is probably a big reason why algae is not already a source of fuel oil. But Eckelberry claims that his company has found a new way to extract oil that cuts this cost significantly.

Then, instead of asking how this relates to the "food vs. fuel" problem with biofuels, or energy security, or global warming, Cody Willard (you wonder if his name was derived from William Frederick "Buffalo Bill" Cody to evoke connotations of the wild west and Ronald Reagan in the susceptible minds of conservatives) wants to make sure he's not paying for it with his taxes.

Eckelberry says his company is not government subsidized. It is just a technology company that wants to sell products to algae growers. It's the algae growers that can and do receive some government subsidies. Willard balks at this, and Eckelberry reminds him that traditional oil companies have received government subsidies too. Willard balks at this too. (And I balk at this, but do any of us really know what the world would look like if there were no government subsidies for anything? Ideologue's projections are always over simplified.)

Wild Bill Cody says, "Google didn't need help. Twitter didn't need help."

Eckelberry shuts him down with, "Who created the Internet?"

Ka-blam.

Also, twice in the segment, Willard says, "It's penny stock. Don't buy it just because you saw it on our show." I can understand not wanting to buy in to the algae sector just yet. But I'm not sure that penny stock in a company with possibly one of the major keys to success for this industry deserves such an emphatic "don't buy" statement either.

And then Willard asks if he can cook with the oil from algae. As if this has not been brought up before in every algae discussion . . . as if people are not already stealing used cooking oil from restaurants to turn into biofuel . . . what a doof.

Continue . . .

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Night, On our Porch

At night the insects are like maracas intent on torture, and the sound of traffic looms close, as if the interstate has sidled up the hill like a snake. You can hear frogs too, and at least one quick owl's shriek.


Continue . . .

Friday, July 3, 2009

First, the Bad News

Greenfuels Technologies is the first algae company I've been following to bite the dust. They had been running some promising demonstrations at fossil fuel burning power plants, including the Redhawk plant in Arizona and Big Cajun II in Louisiana, showing how CO2 emissions can be diverted through algae incubators and recycled into oil which could be made into transportation fuels.

This letter from their then-CEO describes some of the problems they were facing in 2007. The algae incubators at the Redhawk plant produced algae more quickly than expected, and the algae was not harvested fast enough. This lead to overpopulation of algae which cut off sunlight in the incubator and killed the algae. The incubator was shut down for retooling. Another technical problem was that their new harvesting technology was found to be twice as expensive as initially projected.

It now looks like Arizona Public Service, which owns the Redhawk plant, will continue its own efforts to recycle CO2 using algae.

Greenfuels had also been working on an algae incubator to recycle gases from a cement-making plant in Spain.

The troubles at Greenfuels are probably just a hint of the challenges being faced by many algae startups around the world. Algae evangelists like me (evalgelists?) make blog postings that celebrate algae as the cure for the world's energy problems. But if algae is so great, then what's the holdup? Or is it too good to be true?

For one thing, algae is not attracting venture capital yet. This article recognizes the potential in algae but says that algae growing technology does not promise to yield profits soon enough to warrant venture capital investment at this time.

This report from the Algae Biofuels World Summit touches on many other difficulties involved in growing algae, removing water from it, and extracting oil. There is the debate of whether to grow it in open ponds or in enclosed incubators -- one speaker favors open ponds because he says none of the prototype enclosed incubators run by the various algae startups would work on a commercial scale. But, with open ponds, there is the problem of water evaporation, and the report goes on to say that this, rather than land availability, is the most limiting factor in large-scale algae production.

Other challenges facing the algae industry are genetically engineering algae strains that produce optimal yield; working with the government to develop means of regulating this hybrid industrial and agricultural business; and finding the best ways to separate algae from water and oil from algae in the harvesting stage.

And while one might think the current economic stimulus package might benefit the algae industry, the problem is that there are no shovel-ready algae projects. So this round of stimulus might contribute nothing to algae.

The good news is that algae research is indeed progressing. Origin Oil claims to have a very efficient way to distribute nutrients to algae in the growing stage without agitating the algae (agitation apparently slows algae growth), and an inexpensive way to extract oil in the harvesting stage using electromagnetic waves and pH adjustment of the water. The algae cells are cracked open and their oil floats to the top of a settling chamber, water remains in the middle, and broken algae mass collects at the bottom.

And, in New Mexico, the Center of Excellence for Hazardous Materials Management expects to be producing algae oil commercially, on a small scale, by September 1. They will be growing their algae in open ponds and hope to produce 5,000 gallons of oil per acre per year. One quote in the article says that, on 5,000 acres, the 25 million gallons produced could provide half of the Diesel fuel needed by that state in one year. Probably these optimistic projections will not be reached, but if the project can demonstrate feasibility in algae farming, that will mean a lot. It will also create 165 well-paying high-tech jobs. This is the only algae project I know of expecting to produce oil for sale regularly in the near future.

Continue . . .

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I Said It First

Paul Krugman cites Barney Frank identifying Weaponized Keynesianism. But at the end of this post back in February, I had the idea before either of them.

Continue . . .

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Will Physics Ever Leave Me Alone?


I did magnetic resonance imaging as part of my advanced lab course twenty years ago. I remember having a terrible time with the math, but everything else about the experiment I had forgotten. So I’ve had to check on Wikipedia to remind myself of the basics.

Protons are little electric charges, and they are spinning. This spinning is like electric current moving in a loop of wire. We probably all played with electromagnets in elementary school and saw that an electric current in a wire produces a magnetic field around the wire. So, like a loop of wire, a proton is a tiny electromagnet.

In an MRI machine, a magnetic field is applied to a person’s body. As we know from playing with magnets, when one magnet comes near another, it can cause the other magnet to move and align itself a certain way. So, the protons in the body align themselves with the constant magnetic field. Think of them as lining up like soldiers in perfect formation.

Then, additional magnetic fields are applied to the body. This changes the orientation of the protons (or makes some of the soldiers move out of place a little bit). When these additional magnetic fields are switched off, the protons realign themselves according to the constant magnetic field (like soldiers scrambling to get back into proper place again). As they realign themselves, they release electromagnetic radiation that can be measured by the machine. Protons of different tissues take different amounts of time to realign, so by measuring how long the realignment takes in different places, a picture of varying types of tissue can be formed.

I had only a vague idea of how this would work when the doctor sent me for an MRI as a last ditch effort to find the cause of my symptoms. A distant softly shifting curtain had hung in the background of my head all my life. Sometimes it would be closer, but never was bothersome. But recently I’ve become surrounded by a field of insects. At worst, it’s high summer activity; at best, it’s warm mid-September when there’s just one or two left in the grass, the last holdouts for mating before winter.

My Dad had an MRI recently. He talked about it like it was a landmark for old age. The machine broke on his first time in, and he joked that his brainscans had broken it. When good scans were made at a later date, they told him he had the brain of a young person. Who knew someone that irascible could have such a young brain? Seriously, we think it’s all the balance exercising he gets from bike riding and skiing, but who knows. We in our family are lucky in that we preserve pretty well.

The MRI people called to tell me my insurance would not cover it because of my high deductible. I would have to pay the whole $1023. I canceled the appointment and called the doctor back to see if this was really worth it. His nurse said it was his recommendation, but it was up to me. I paced and thought about it. Really, it had been my choice to have a high deductible. It has saved, in the long run, on premiums over the years. I didn’t want to afford this, but I could. I called the MRI people and set up the appointment again.

I had found one first-hand description of an MRI online that said that the machine was loud, so I took earplugs. At the desk, the receptionist asked how much I would like to pay now. I hate spending money -- I’ve joked that I’m no good at making it, but I’m a fiend at saving it. But when I’ve made a decision and it seems there’s no turning back, I feel rather carefree. “The whole snert,” I said. Really, it was less than half of a new wireless system.

Backstage, one nurse stood by while I put my things in a locker. “All I’ve got now is the metal zipper,” I said. The writer of the online description had said that she had disrobed completely, but this nurse said my metal zipper would be fine. I imagined it catching fire, as if in a microwave oven, spontaneous combustion from the crotch.

I moved on wearing still my T-shirt and shorts and Birkenstocks.

There was to be an IV. Uh oh, I had not been prepared for this. Jangle my nuclei all you want, but I’m not cool with needles that stick and then stay there.

The nurse giving the IV said I had good veins and asked if I drink a lot of water.

I thanked her for the compliment and said I needed to keep hearing those right now.

I averted my gaze as the needle went in. But this time, unlike the yearly blood test I get to check TSH levels, the needle stayed. She put in some saline solution, and the point of entry felt eerily cool on the inside, black ink ejected into already murky water by a fleeing octopus. I waited anxiously for the feeling to go away, and it did after a few seconds, but still, something foreign was inside me now.

She said she would leave the IV connector in my arm, and they would use it to add contrast later.

My non IV-ed right hand got my right earplug in fine, but it could hardly get the left one in. I feared my left ear would be unprotected. There I would be, stuck in the machine, making worse the symptoms that got me here. The nurse said I could use my left hand, and the IV did not hurt when bent my arm. I squeezed and rolled the earplug and tried to stick it in correctly before it swelled again, but I kept hitting the wrong angle. I have this problem before going to clubs too. I felt like I was holding things up. Finally the nurse got me a fresh earplug and put it in herself, and it felt pretty good.

I set the locker key on the windowsill and kicked off my Birkenstocks and sat on the table. The nurse who had given me the IV and helped with the earplug now said that I smelled good. “What is that?” she asked.

”Regular Speed Stick,” I said.

“I thought it was cologne,” she said.

“I like those compliments. Keep ‘em coming,” I said.

I lay back and my head fit into a soft wedge in the table. They added some pads on the sides to help keep my head still. Then, from somewhere, a little cage was swung into position over my head, and with a loss of perspective like happened in La Femme Nikita when Nikita jumped down the garbage shoot to escape the rocket and up became sideways, and I saw the nurse’s glasses and smile where there should have been just the tube interior. It was a mirror now positioned over my eyes, so that I could see out of the machine once I was slid in.

A little squeeze bulb went into one hand. I would squeeze this when I couldn’t stand it anymore, as when Christopher Hitchens dropped the metal rods, or Mancow his cow.

They put a pillow under my legs and a blanket over them and slid me in. People talk about the claustrophobia, but the mirror, which gave me sight of the opening and the room beyond, helped greatly. I could see the nurses in the control room.

Then the noises started. I was grateful for the earplugs. There were brief spurts of fierce vibrations of the sort that, if made by your lawn mower, would convince you that something horrible was wrong. There were a few softer squirting sounds. A nurse, speaking through an intercom, announced the length of each test, which was typically 5 to 10 minutes. When the test proper started, the sound would be a constant

DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO

with no variation, for the duration. I imagined my protons snapping to attention and going at-ease, alternately. I wondered when they would start turning into adamantium.

The earplugs kept the noise at bay. I was a little tired because I had not slept well the night before, so lying still was not a problem. And I was no drain on the medical system, for I had paid the old-fashioned way -- with a debit card. Why not enjoy it? I let my mind wander. The symptoms that had lead me there swam around me. Urges to move developed like cumulus clouds in my bones but I let them pass through me. I seemed to lose connection with my limbs. I imagined Svetx beside me as if in a double-MRI-sleeping bag, and it was easy to lie there.

I noticed that the edge of the mirror closer to my forehead was farther from me than the edge closer to my chin. This meant that it was not a mirror, but a prism. I studied its image of the windowsill across the room where I had put my locker key. The position of the box of sanitary wipes on the sill was not reversed, so indeed, this was not a mirror. A mirror would have sufficed, right? So why a prism, which is probably more expensive?

About 2/3 through, they slid me out and put the contrast into my vein. Now, I imagined, I would stand out more clearly in poor light. Take my picture, before it wears off! Or would I appear only in black and white?

I was really very comfortable the whole time. Life outside the MRI machine . . . that was hard. When I was done, I would have to go back to my own freedom of underemployment, which is a molasses of indecision in which I must constantly wade.

The nurses were pleased. I had not moved at all for the whole half hour. They helped me upright and, thinking of my Grandpa who used to say of nurses “Always leave them laughing,” I asked, “Do I have mutant powers now?”

Afterwards, I treated myself to the full buffet at Golden Corrall. If the MRI doesn’t give me mutant powers, surely Golden Corral will.

Continue . . .