Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Froggy Went A-Courtin'

Not Safe for Work!

. . . unless you want your co-workers to think you've just opened a jar of fresh summer night air. This is over ten minutes long.

A plane flies through at the beginning. Listen for some kind of weird phase effect in the left speaker on the plane sound. There was the wall of a house behind me, to block some road noise, so maybe it was reflection off this wall that was causing this phase shift, if that is what it is.

About one-third in, there's an unidentified knocking noise in the left speaker from the woods. It is hard to hear, and it does not sound human, unless it's the Blair Witch. Soon after that, there's one slap of one Birkenstock sole, mine yes, against the concrete underfoot. There are some distant cars, and you might be able to hear the neighbor's air conditioning under all the commotion, but this might have been lost in the data compression.

I don't mean my neighbor. This was not recorded at my house, or there would have been interstate traffic overhanging the whole thing.





Continue . . .

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Ghost Wars Calls It

Folks who know me often hear me talking about the modern history book Ghost Wars: The Secret History of the CIA, Afghanistan, and Bin Laden, from the Soviet Invasion to September 10, 2001 by Steve Coll. The book gives extensive information on a lot of events and decisions that lead us not to predict the 9/11 attack. In pundit land these days, there are a lot of oversimplified, accusatory statements about what Bush and Clinton and other government officials did wrong. One thing Ghost Wars does is to show the complexity of these matters and the difficulty in making decisions.

Dick Morris says in Fahrenhype 9/11 that Clinton had the chance to hit bin Laden in 1999 with cruise missiles while bin Laden was at a hunting camp in Afghanistan, and did not. The implication is that Democrats are weak and friendly to terrorists. Ghost Wars says (page 448 of my paperback) that several prominent sheiks and royalty from the United Arab Emirates were also in that camp. Many CIA officials said we should bomb it anyway, but others had very specific concerns. Richard Clarke had built a relationship with the UAE involving arms deals, basing agreements, intelligence exchanges. Much oil flowed to the US from the UAE, and its ports were the most frequently used in the Arab world by the US Navy. An $8 billion deal for UAE to buy 80 F-16 fighters from the US was in the making, and our defense contractors were very happy about the deal. Bombing bin Laden at that hunting camp likely would have killed these prominent UAE people and ruined relationships with that country. Clinton called off the attack. Now, ask yourself honestly, since when has a Republican taken an action that would ruin an arms deal? Would a Republican president have done anything different? And if Clinton had attacked bin Laden there and ruined relations with the UAE, wouldn’t the likes of Dick Morris criticize him for doing so?

Some Reports say that Sudan offered to give us bin Laden, and the Clinton administration declined to accept him. The implication is that Democrats are weak and friendly to terrorists. Ghost Wars says (page 323 of my paperback) that, in 1996, there was some discussion with Sudan about their helping us with intelligence on bin Laden. The Sudan government has said that it did not formally offer bin Laden to us, but instead said that they would give him to us if we could make a legal case against bin Laden. Several senior American officials from that time have said they never received such a message. Nevertheless, there was some discussion in Washington of a hypothetical case of Sudan offering us bin Laden, and the question of whether we could indict him if they did. Sandy Berger said that we did not have enough evidence of bin Laden having commited crimes against the US to indict him. Some federal prosecutors talked of having a grand jury probe of bin Laden to produce evidence to indict him, but American law prevented the Department of Justice and the FBI from telling any other government department about such an investigation.

Looking back on this, it is all too bad. It would have been great to get custody of bin Laden then. But the Clinton administration was standing by the general tenet of our justice system which is “innocent until proven guilty.” This was not being friendly to terrorists, or weak. We all benefit from this tenet of our justice system, and isn’t it one of the aspects of freedom that the pro-war camp continues to say we are “defending” in our Middle East wars?

Ghost Wars tells where everyone came from. When I hear that the anonymous author of Imperial Hubris and Through Our Enemies' Eyes is Mike Scheuer, I think, “I wonder if he was in Ghost Wars,” and I check and sure enough, he was. When Daniel Benjamin or Paul Pillar appear in the news, I check up on them in Ghost Wars. Same goes for when Milton Bearden appears in the credits for The Good Shephard. Lots of information about these folks and more is given in Ghost Wars.

Re-reading parts of it in the past year, the oversight by our intelligence agencies before 9/11 that seemed most significant to me was that surrounding known terrorists Khalid al-Mihdhar and Nawaf al-Hazmi. Pages 569-70 of my paperback say that in mid-July of 2001, as part of the ongoing scramble to figure out exactly what al Qaeda was going to do, the CIA discovered that these two terrorists had unrestricted visa access to the US and were probably in our country. But neither was put on a watch list, and the CIA did not formally notify the FBI.

My own thought was, if they had been put on a watch list, they might have been discovered in their cheap hotel nearby in Laurel, Maryland. And if they had been discovered, the specific 9/11 plot may have become clearly understood before it happened. This might be the single most clear instance where the ball was dropped.

In recent days, a CIA report has come out describing errors that agency made before 9/11. The highlight of that report, according to this New York Times article, is that al-Mihdhar and al-Hazmi were not tracked within our country.

Ghost Wars called it. Go get it, and keep it next to the dictionary.

Continue . . .

Monday, August 20, 2007

No Gettysburg Address


Apologies to Mr. Linkin for overwrought stagecraft and the longest blog post ever

Photographs by E

It’s 98 degrees out here and I don’t have a tent. The call sheet says it will be hot and to bring tents. The coordinator, B, had a tent on his list of things to get. I assumed it would be here. Never assume anything. I’m more worried about the equipment -- the fancy hard drive recorder rented from Nashville, TN -- than myself. I call B.

“Oh, I forgot to set that out for JD to take with him,” B says. He says he will bring it over.

I had thought that maybe the PA sound system guys would have a tent that I could squeeze under, but they only have a 10X10 Easy Up, and they’ve put sides on it and pretty well sequestered themselves. Next to them I’m like the new guy in the shanty town, lacking shelter and needing to find the materials to extend their shelter another unit.

At least I have my Rock ‘n’ Roller cart with shelf to put my gear on. This is one thing I don’t have to think about in advance, because I have it in my car, always.

Cameraman H comes over to kindly ask if I need anything. This is rare. Usually audio is something that non-audio people give a wide berth to, because there’s always something going wrong and they want no part in it -- they just want to be able to say later, when problems are revealed during editing,“Talk to the audio guy about that.”

But H is really nice and he also has little to do during these setup hours. He only needs to point and shoot later. He offers his umbrella and stand, and I gratefully accept it. When he brings it, its shade is dwarfed in the face of this blaring sun, and it covers only the equipment.


I head for the Port-a-Let behind the Revolution Stage, and JD comes toward me from the tent where the bands will be interviewed.

“What’s this about you stealing our tent?” he says.

“I’m not stealing your tent,” I say. “B is bringing the one from the office. Or wait. Where did you get that one you’re using?”

“I saw it in the office yesterday and threw it in the car.”

“Oh, so you got the one from the office already.”

“Yeah, B said to take it, so I took it.”

So there is no tent for B to bring to me. I call B back and tell him JD did get it.

“Well if JD has it, then you should be fine,” B said.

No -- JD is in one place -- the interview tent behind the Revolution Stage. My post is out in front of the stage in the mix/monitor station. On gigs that are unusual for us locals, there is a constant struggle to get the clients to explain the situation, and then for us to explain it each other. My first call about this show had my job totally wrong. B called me to work on this thing with a "Lincoln Park." I had barely heard of them. I pictured some band that had come up through the ranks performing on the mall in Washington, DC, in front of the Lincoln Memorial, amid pristine grass, marble columns, and overweight White tourists in tank tops swaying and clapping their hands.

I was told I would be following a camera person around shooting a host who would be documenting the bands that day. I would also be overseeing two production assistants who would be doing the same as me but with other camera operators, on a less important scale. The local company where B works, which was coordinating this, had all the necessary gear. This type of work was right up their our alley, and mine as well.

Two days later I was told that no, I was to be recording a feed from the sound board and also recording audience mics, meaning mics planted on the stage to face the audience and get its noise. The two audio production assistants would be handling all the roving camera audio work. I told B that doing that roving sound work would be too hard for non-sound people to do alone. He said he had told client/producer M that, but that M had said that their jobs would not be crucial.

I needed a 4-track field recorder with about two business days notice. Around here, there are not many 4-track recorders that have timecode, that are portable and reliable. I checked with one company, but theirs was being used that day. Some folks use laptop computers with audio interfaces for 4-track recording, but I don’t like laptops on set. They are notorious for crashing or acting funny, especially in extremes of temperature. I wanted something that I knew would work reliably. So I said I knew where we could get a recorder from Nashville, TN, but B said shipping would be expensive, so we should see if the producer, M, could bring one from Chicago. So I stayed up painfully late that night typing up our options for what we would need from Chicago in certain scenarios. For instance, there were additional mics we would need to rent, but if they were not available locally, then I would need M to get those in addition to the recorder.

The next morning, I called the local rental company and they did have the mics I could use to cover the audience. We would not need these from Chicago, just the recorder. I told B.

That night I called B to see if M had gotten the recorder from Chicago. B said to call M directly. M said he had not gotten it. But he had gotten the microphones I had said he would need to get if we could not get them locally. B had not told him that we had gotten these, and he had gone ahead and gotten them without checking with us.

We talked about which rental company, the local one or the Chicago one, would be cheaper for these mics he had rented redundantly. I wondered if M would really want to bring the extra case on the plane. “Do you have everything that goes with them?” I said to him. “The zeppelins? Windjammers? Stands?”

I really wanted to get as much as I could from my own sources that I knew would have all the accouterments straight.

“Yeah, I got those,” he said.

I was thinking, there’s no way he would bring heavy stands for outdoor use on the plane. No way he had all this stuff.

Then he said, “Wait - what’s the zeppelin?”

We decided he would cancel this part of his order and go with the local stuff.

I was left with one more more business day, which was Friday, before the day of the show, Monday, to get the freaking recorder.

So on Friday they finally let me call Nashville, and Nashville had one. They could send it to arrive on Saturday. I had planned to be at my Dad’s on Saturday visiting him and his wife, but now I would have to delay that trip so I could receive the gear, take it to Raleigh, put it together with our other gear, and check it all out.

I did all this, spent an hour in Raleigh checking things over, then went to my Dad’s for Saturday night. He and my stepmom were going to Vienna and Prague soon, and I took my travel books to them.

On Sunday, I drove back to Raleigh, put all the gear in my car, drove to Chapel Hill, picked up the other microphones there, and came home. By then I had in my car twenty 25’ 12/3 stingers (heavy extension cords) which may have weighed 150 pounds altogether. I also had ten 15 pound sandbags to hold the C-stands for the audience mics down on stage in wind -- that’s another 150. Then there were the C-stands themselves, maybe 30 or 35 pounds together. Then the audio gear in a couple of bags - - not just the gear for my part, but also the mixers and booms and mics and wirelesses and batteries and harnesses for the two production assistants who were to do the audience and band interviews. My car was sinking low in its wheel wells. The rental folks in Chapel Hill said I should be careful going over speed bumps.

All this prep had sort of mushroomed out of the initial deal of doing “walking interviews,” which we are already prepped for. Now there was all this planning, this calling, this waiting in town for shipments, this rounding up gear in my car. B told M we were doing much more work than expected, and said he would need to pad in some extra payment for us. He said I could get $100 in addition to the payment for the actual work day. It wasn’t really enough, but it was something.

And nobody had really talked about who would round up this gear. This job had simply fallen to me. I decided I would put my mileage on the invoice too.

I explain to B on the phone that I still need another tent and he says he’ll bring it. I go to the Port-a-Let, and then to check on JD and C, the production assistants who were to do the roving audio work. We had planned for them to simply let the host use a stick mic with a transmitter. All they would have to do would be to monitor that one mic.

Now there is talk of adding in body mics. M says there will be multiple band members being interviewed by the host, and he isn’t sure how to handle it. I tell him we had not arranged to do this, but there are body mics in my car and we could do that if necessary.

This discussion gets interrupted when the director wants to have a crew meeting. Surely this will be a waste of time for me. We gather ‘round and the director tells everyone that this is a Rock and Roll show, and the important thing is to have fun. I always worry when they start saying we should have fun. It makes me think they are not paying attention to important things. He asks if anyone has seen a certain Pink Floyd video. I look around at the cameramen's faces. They are all familiar -- they shot Hurricane Fran, they shot the Duke Lacrosse scandal. They do whatever you need. None have seen the Pink Floyd video. The director says he wants this show shot like that video -- not too shaky, but with nice . . . somethings. Zooms? I don’t know what he says here. I just want to get back to getting the audio organized and laying cables and stuff like that.

The meeting breaks into smaller groups where the director will try to convey his vision to the camera guys.

I show C and JD how to calibrate the mixer with the camera levels. I show them the transmitter gain knob on the stick mic and say that that will be the most important point not to distort because they will not be able to adjust that knob on the fly. “Look at this little meter here,” I say to C. He is looking off across the parking lot at some babe or something. “This meter here. You need to watch this. C? Look down here.”

M is presuming that I can just “show them about the levels” and they’ll be good to go, but he doesn’t realize the ADD we’re up against out here, what with having been raised on televised Rock such as we are making this very day.

I ask JD and C if they want me to get the body mics from my car. We look at each other, all three of us imaging what a mess that could turn into for non-audio guys.

“Do you want my car keys?” I say to JD, meaning, they could get the wirelesses from my car if they want to.

“No,” he says, and the body mics are thus nixed. JD was a sonarman in the Navy. Though he doesn't bill himself as an "audio guy," he is way overqualified for "production assistant doing audio." I figure he'll make it work, whatever they do.

JD is not only being a sound production assistant; he is also renting us his laptop computer and backup firewire hard drive. While I hate to depend on a laptop for field recording, I do need it to burn the audio files onto DVD’s later. And since JD has brought a backup hard drive, I think it will be nice to have the recorder simultaneously record the audio in it too. The recorder’s instructions say this will work. But out here in about as much of a “field” as you can get -- the dusty parking lot in front of the Revolution stage -- I can’t get the hard drive recorder to recognize JD’s backup firewire drive. He comes with me back to my station and he can’t get his laptop to recognize his hard drive either. “It worked yesterday,” he says. I say it’s okay -- it was just backup anyway. So the backup was down, but the primary thing, the hard drive recorder, was still okay.

JD has also forgotten to bring the power cable for his laptop, but it has enough battery power to last a few hours. I say that’s okay too. I’ll only use it to burn DVD’s later, I won’t keep it running for the whole concert. We close his laptop and assume it has gone to sleep.

While I’m trying to talk to JD, the PA emits a blast of crackly, shimmery white noise sounding like an afterburner pointed right at you, something I once recorded from a distance. It’s like we’ve come out to some desert to witness a UFO landing, and the PA speakers are our Devil’s Tower. There’s an emphasized frequency in the sound that rises, as if in a phase shift, from bottom to top where does that “flipping over” effect and comes back down again. I love that sound, but not while I’m trying to think and work out my own problems. It stops and, I presume, the PA system is tested. It’s too bad I didn’t have the recorder rolling on that.

M, the director, and some woman with black hair and a dyed blond streak in it come up to me. The woman looks like she’s “somebody,” and I recall that, on the call sheet, there had been mention of talent named Metal-- somebody. She leans on the barricade surrounding the audio monitor area and waits while the director talks to me.

“So, we’ve all done this before,” the director says, and I don’t tell him I’ve never done this before.

“What are you recording on?” he asks me, as if there’s any time to change it. I tell him.

“So, if you mix . . .” he puts his hand to his head, thinking, and I think, “’Mix’? I do not like the sound of that word.”

Metal is wearing a low-cut tank top that I’m deliberately not looking down. I wonder what the big deal about all this is -- the “metal” thing, the black with a blond streak, the death imagery on the tank top just below the cleavage. Days later, I look her up and find out she’s Iranian, and I know exactly what it’s about. Rowrr, go sister! Lead your people out of religious submission and into the cesspool of free love, free market, freedom that your teenagers are reported to adore.

I cut off the director’s thinking and say, “I’m just recording four tracks. It wouldn’t make sense to mix them out here, wearing headphones. I won’t really know what it sounds like.” Not to mention, I never never ever actually mix music for a particular taste. I only mix voices, when I have to, to minimize phase problems and overlapping noises between “talent” members. I’m not the Rock and Roll guy this director presumes M has hired for him out here.

M concurs, and the director is appeased for now. They go away.



Another production assistant, E, comes to me and says he’s been told to help me. Thank goodness. E is a former student of mine, a great worker with a way of doing things slowly and quietly and getting it done fast, without your realizing he was even really doing it. On another set once, someone needed a light adjusted and E came out of nowhere with a ladder and was halfway up it before anyone else had noticed him. Someone said, “E’s” already on it -- he’s the stealth grip.”

I ask E to run mic cables up to the stage for the audience mics. The sound system PA guys have run all their cables in one bundle up the center of the audience area, from center stage to their mix/monitor station. This is a dirt and gravel parking lot -- there is no place other than alongside their cables to run ours. I know I’m gonna get an induced hum from being so close to their cables. And all they’ve got to cover their cables are rubber mats -- no proper cable crossovers to keep the moshing feet off the cables. But this is okay with them because their cables are very robust. Mine are not nearly so sturdy.

I go up to the stage and ask the road crew up there where I can put my audience mics. Their leader shows me exactly where I can put them, right up front at the edge of the stage. They are directional mics, but it’s still going to be a challenge to minimize the amount of PA audio that gets on them. There are the huge PA speakers, and then there are smaller towers of monitor speakers flanking the stage pointing directly across it to the other side.

I carry the C-stands up there, the 8 sandbags (4 per stand), the boom hooks, the booms, the mics. It’s kind of silly to have these audience mics on boom poles on C-stands, because I do not need the extension that the booms can provide. The reason I have them is it was the only way I knew of, on short notice, to mount such a mic on a stand. But collapsed, the booms don’t hold themselves firmly in the C-stand mounts, and I’m worried they won’t stay.

E appears on the gravel below the stage. “We can gaffer tape that in,” he said about the boom in the mount.

But we never get around to taping the booms into the mounts.

To my surprise, when I go back to my little sound board and turn up the faders for the booms, they sound fine. No hums. I convince E to go out into the audience area and yell out like he’s the audience. In my headphones, he sounds like the last person on earth hollering alone in wilderness. Slight gusts of wind kick up dirt and make swirling clouds. To the side there are generators making their awful noise. I reckon those will be drowned out by the audience.

I’ve got to split out more outputs from my audio set to feed the camera. I ask E to listen to this message that’s come in on my cell phone for me. While I work, he repeats the message out loud.

“B called. He had to go home to get his credit card to pay for the tent. While at home he locked himself out of his house. He had to get his drug-dealer neighbor to break into his house for him. He’ll be here with the tent shortly.”

The PA sound guys turn on some new amp somewhere, and a buzz appears in my left audience mic. I don’t think there’s a whole lot I can do about it. The PA guy says I could lift the ground, but he doesn’t think that’s the problem. “These people know how to do power,” he says. And anyway, I can’t find my ground lifter. Shit. That’s been lost on some other show.

So I make up a reason for the buzz. I figure, it is being induced in the audience left mic by power running to the sub woofers at the foot of the stage. I ask E if he can pull the cable for that mic out away from the sub woofer and run it just behind the audience barricade instead. I think this will never work. But it does. The buzz goes away.

Cameraman A comes and sets up his camera on the tripod near me, and I start feeding audio cables to it. We had not known if there would be a camera close enough to me to feed audio to it. If we had known this -- known, even, that it would have 4 tracks, unlike most cameras that have just 2 -- then we would not have really needed to rent the recorder from Nashville. I split some outputs from the mixer with Y-cables, and also use auxiliary outs. I run tone through the system to calibrate levels with the camera, and then it’s a major tour through the audio menu on the camera to turn off the irrelevant options and turn on the relevant ones. Two cables have to go in the front inputs on the camera, and I have to figure out if these receive line level or mic level. It’s mic level, so I have to go back and recalibrate my mixer to the recorder so that those two mixer outputs can run at mic level. Then something is wrong. One of the 4 inputs to the camera is not getting anything.

I have run these cables to the camera without taking time to label them. I was thinking that I should get everything set up as quickly as possible, and I would label cables later if I had time. Now I have to follow the cables through the spaghetti tangle in the dirt to switch things around and figure out why I’m not getting signal to channel 4 in the camera. All the cables and adapters seem to work, so maybe the problem is the mixer’s auxiliary output. But I am out of splitters and outputs from the mixer, so I don’t have another way to feed input 4 on the camera. So, again, it all comes down to the hard drive recorder from Nashville. It is the only recording device getting all four tracks okay.

The tent arrives. B and E and another PA raise it and then carry it into place over me.

The cameraman has stood by patiently while I have been fussing with his camera. I finally let him step back up to his camera. He says, “All these other camera guys out here have never done this before. I know what [shots] the director wants. But we don’t know if they know.”

Somebody opens a floodgate somewhere, and the parking lot fills up with teenagers and twenty-somethings, many trying to emulate, apparently, Metal's garb. They start chanting, hollering, and my audience mics are working fine. The first band comes out, makes their first ear-splitting howl into the microphone, and I yank the gain down to get control of it. The bass rumbles in my chest, the my skull. My super-isolating Remote Audio headphones do a good job of keeping this excess sound out of my ears, but not out of my bones.


On every musical accent now, on the right audience mic, there’s a crackle of distortion. I click on the -20 dB pads, readjust gain, but this does not help. The left audience mic is fine; only the right keeps distorting. And between songs, when the audience screams, the afflicted mic gets an extra roar like wind that shouldn’t be there.

I stand and look over the tops of heads at my mics on stage. My mics really stand out like video equipment does anywhere. The rest of the stage is black, creating the scenario of death and revolution. My furry boom mics on silvery C-stands are as intrusive here as any boom is when it drops into a scene. This whole time I’ve felt like I’ve been tacked onto this show as an afterthought, and now it really shows in the way my equipment looks against theirs. Did I mention that we are doing this for MySpace? They want to “televise” these concerts and make them look like they’re happening “live” while being viewed, even though that’s not the case of course.

I think that maybe the problem with my audience right mic is its positioning. I take careful note of how the audience left mic is positioned, and plan to adjust the right one between bands.

I see a man carrying a woman out of the area. She is upright, stiff, and he holds her against his hip as if he’s pretending to dance with a life-size blow up doll. I presume she has heat exhaustion. I see three more women get carried out by their male escorts during the 3 to 4 hour concert.

After the first set I leave my post and go dodging between people to the stage. I have a badge that gets me back there. The stagehands are moving the previous band’s instruments off the stage, and I see the drum set for the next one on a cart ready to be rolled on. The stagehands are all wearing black, and I’m wearing all white and a brown belt and a red hat. Dodging stagehands and cables, I dance out to the front of the stage and reach around the monitor speakers and adjust my mic, praying that no sudden blast comes out of them and startles me into falling off the stage.

Leaving the stage, the ramp at the rear is blocked by equipment going down it. I vault off the edge of the stage and run back to my station.

The second set starts, and I realize that my other audience mic, the left one, has become dislodged in its mount and tilted upward to point at the sky. We never did tape that down. Remarkably, despite its bad positioning now, it picks up the audience sound pretty well -- so well I can hardly believe it. I wonder if, by some optical illusion, it seems to be pointing more askew than it really is. In any case, it’s embarrassing. I hope nobody notices and thinks I don’t know how to point my freaking directional mics.


At the next break, I push through the audience to the front and up onto the stage again. I reset my mics, trying again to make the audience right mic sound decent. I do this at every break between bands, and every time, I dodge the stage hands to get to the front of the stage, lean out around the monitor speakers, run back and vault off the side of the stage because equipment is blocking the ramp. I never get the audience right mic to sound right. And the audience left mic swings up to point at the sky another time. I never find out if someone is bumping it, or if vibration is doing this.

I think, maybe the problem with the audience right mic is the mic itself. There’s not much I can do about that, but I can check it later.

I wonder if it is the mixer input. I put this idea out of my head, but in following days I think that this probably was it, and that I should have changed its input at some point.

Four days later I get my hands on this mixer again and you check the input, and there is no problem.


After just three band sets, of vocals amplified to foghorn levels, guitars played like nails under hammers, a bassline that seems to have been one single amorphous, continuous note that seized our guts like anacondas, it’s over. The music has been, for me, like Metal’s garb: why the big deal? What are you revolting against? The only thing revolving here has been my eyeballs over the whole nonsense of the thing; and yet, with my own equipment difficulties, I hardly have grounds for acting superior. I never did get that audience right mic to sound right. But I have the audience left track, so the producer and director will have something. And we had cameras up at the stage shooting the audience, so if they had their camera mics turned on, they probably have lots of audience noise too. I hope they had their camera mics turned on. There wasn’t time to check on this, and you can’t count on anything.

The crowd disperses pretty quickly, leaving a layer of empty water bottles on the dust and gravel. “Don’t they know this is a green tour?” someone says. I know I gotta get my mics off the stage before the stagehands start yelling “Who’s are these?” and toss them aside.

JD comes running up to me. He’s been doing audio on band interviews at the interview tent, and he says, "[The director] wants to send audio to two cameras. How do I do that”

He can use my Y-cables, which I’ve just finished using. I pull them out from their connections and go with him back to the interview tent.

“He’s being a dick,” said JD. At the interview tent, they have been cycling bands through, and they’re going to continue interviewing the bands that will go on the main stage, which I will not be recording. (Linkin Park was to be on the main stage only, so I did not get to see them.) In a sense, JD has a harder audio job than I do today. I reroute JD’s audio using my Y-cables, and he says he’ll be okay. I go back to my recording station out in front of the stage, where Latino workers are now picking up the water bottles from the parking lot.

I feel free, relaxed, when I now traverse the parking lot. The recording is done, such as it was. Like live TV, once it’s over, you can’t go back. I just have to hope that the audio files are not corrupt in the hard drive recorder, the only recording device I could get to completely work during the frantic setup.

M comes up in a golf cart and I tell him about the troubles with one of my audience mics. He is not worried. Through all this crazy preparation and setup, he has been jovial, and I kind of admire this, though I can’t say his last-minute prep and cost-cutting have made our jobs easy.

On my shelf cart, JD’s black Apple laptop has become covered with dust. I dust it off with my hands before I open it. When I do open it, it won’t wake up or turn on. I hold the button down for a few seconds, and nothing happens.

I walk back to the interview tent and tell JD, who is not working on an interview at the moment. He comes with me back to my cart, and he can’t get it to work either. Apparently it did not go to sleep when closed, and the battery drained. And he has forgotten the power cable today. I’ve had this major malfunction on other shoots, when I can’t get the files off the hard drive recorder and I have to send it back soon.

We carry the laptop and the hard drive recorder to another tent, near the interview tent, where another production assistant, LL, is importing media from the “P2” cards used to record audio and video in the cameras. There is an extra Apple laptop power cable there that we can use, and we get JD’s working. I connect it by firewire to the hard drive recorder, and the files start going over. Whew.

It’s past four o’clock, and my work now is to pack everything up, get the audio burned onto DVD’s, and get to the Fed Ex late dropoff desk by 8:30. I have not eaten since I had breakfast at home at 6am. There was a chance to eat breakfast at some crew tent this morning, and another chance for lunch, but I never felt like I had time to stop working and go get it. As it was, I worked constantly and got sub-optimal audio.

I ask E to coil and clean the audio cables that had been moshed into the dirt during the concert. Someone has fetched some white rags for the production, and E uses these and some bottled water. I pack equipment and get my car and drive it to my cart. B also appears with his van, and I dump as much as is ready to go in his van so that my car, going out, will not have the same load as coming in.

Once my car is loaded, I drive over to the interview tent to pick up the audio gear I had allocated for the “production assistant” audio techs. The director is throwing a fit because audio that C had recorded, the audience interviews, was unusable. The director has C listen to it. I’m nearby picking up stingers and more sandbags to put in my car. I wonder if I should go participate in that conversation, but I think I’d probably just muddy the waters. Producer M and C can explain to the director that C is just a production assistant hired to do what they said would be a really simple audio job. I overhear that the problem was background noise, and I think, “What do they expect? There’s a freaking metal-hip-hop concert going on!” I know that inexperienced sound folks are shy about sticking the boom in close, so probably the background noise could have been reduced some by closer booming; and I know that they did not put a wireless mic on Metal, something that would have isolated her voice a little better from the background.

Metal is lounging nearby, seemingly unconcerned that much of her day’s work, the audience interviews, may not be usable. It’s not her department. She just waits for instructions and does her job when told to.

The director calls me over to stand by him while he listens to my audio of the band. I tell him that track 4, my audience right mic, is not good. The other tracks are okay.

“What am I hearing on this?” he says, pointing to the laptop that LL has been importing media into. I say I don’t know that system and look to another guy who’s dealing with the media. He leans in and opens the audio tracks and I suggest they turn of number 4 and listen to the other three mixed. The director starts listening, and says, “It’s low,” and I don’t know if he means the audio or the camera position. We can see dancing heads of audience members, and dust arising to fill the long-lens shot and obscure the band on stage.

“Fucking dust bowl,” says the director. “Okay, these are not the shots I want.” He calls Cameraman A in, the cameraman who had said earlier that he knew what the director wanted. The director starts telling him what he wanted, and how the shots were not what he wanted. I walk away. I have work to do.

I work on separating the audio equipment. JD and C will be staying for more interviews; other gear has to be returned to three different sources. The director comes over to me and tells me the “board mix” sounds flat, with no bass. I tell him that’s how board mixes sound. If he wants better audio of the band, he needs to ramp up the audio production value and record separate tracks for most of the mics and instruments on stage, and mix them later for a richer sound. He says, “That’s more work for the editors, but okay.” He walks away. Well how the fuck does he think they get good live albums? Has he not thought about this? He’s the Donald Rumsfeld of directors.

They are gonna send JD and a cameraman into the audience again to get more audience interviews. This time, they’ll put a wireless on Metal and use the boom on the interviewees. I rig the wireless receiver into JD’s audio bag and tell them to shoot tight shots so the boom can get in close.

Days later I hear that much of this audio was not usable either! And the director, unhappy with a lot of the video footage from the entire day, wanted to pay only for the shots he could use. The local coordinator, B, had to tell them that would not fly at all. We had turned in our invoices, by God, and needed to get paid.

By 8:15 I’ve completed the Fed Ex dropoff. By 9pm, in near darkness, I’ve loaded the 20 extension cords and audio cables and mics into the secret night depository for the local rental company. Pairs of eyes shining at me from blackness between buildings tell me I’m not locking one of the company cats in the depository when I shut it. That’s good, I would hate to do that. It's been a 13 hour day.

At Golden Corral, my waitress is from the Czech Republic. I think this must be a good omen for my Dad and stepmom who are going there.

Continue . . .

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Ask Jason Bourne

Dear Jason,

My girlfriend is dumping me because, in her words, she’s tired of my “broke, no-airconditioning, sweatin-all-night-and-never-changin’-the sheets, sittin-around-in-underpants-blogging, never-taking-her-to-Red-Lobster, punk-ass.” For me, however, living without air conditioning is part of my basic sense of identity. It’s how I keep my edge, see. Buying a $100.00 window unit which is energy efficient and would raise the electric bill by only $3.75 per month would require some kind of extensive psychoanalysis which I can not afford. So, as someone who is basically living in a constant identity/supremacy/ultimatum crisis, do you think I should sacrifice my fundamental sense of self to keep the love of this wonderful woman, or should I stick to my principles and let her go find someone who is more sensitive to her needs for living like a normal person?

-Extra Self Absorption

Dear Extra:

Security cameras are scanning the station from their mounts on the walls 10 feet overhead, and I know where all of them are looking. I’m telling this guy by phone where to walk so he is not seen, and I know where to walk so I am also not seen. And there’s a sniper behind the rotating advertising sign. I know this just because I see the sign and it is a place where a sniper would hide. I run clattering up a metal stairway as I often do, and there’s a guy about to come out from behind the door with a gun so I grab his wrist and pull him into the landing and swing him around and bash him into the metal railing and twist him down by the wrist and seize his gun just as another guy is coming from the same hallway. I continue this twisting motion to whirl and give the second guy my elbow in the gut which surprises him because, just a second ago, I was taking this gun out of the first guy’s hand, and this second guy thought I hadn’t seen him coming. My elbow stops him, and I give him the back of my fist in the nose while shooting with the newly acquired gun, and he goes down to reveal the third guy coming behind him whom I shoot as well.

***

I went to “Bourne Ultimatum” thinking it would be good Zen practice. I had not seen “Identity” or “Supremacy,” so I would have no context for what was to happen. I would simply be living in the moment, without judgment, without expectation.

As the movie started and Bourne was busting through his first glass shop window and raiding the medicine shelves, friend “G” leaned over and said, “See, the government made him stronger and erased his memory.”

“Like Wolverine?” I said, looking for a point of reference. A few weeks ago, at a party, this very cool woman was telling me about how she has a titanium cheekbone and femur because of a terrible car accident that occurred many years ago. I said, “You’re like Wolverine!” and then felt kind of bad for saying that.

“Not that much,” said G, “But his mind is erased. So he’s a badass, but kind of fucked up too.”

Ah. So basically, through this whole movie, he chased and was chased toward an astounding conclusion. And that conclusion was his learning that, um, he had entered a government program where they made him stronger and erased his memory.

Well, I guess you could say that he got a little more than that out of it. He regained his memory of all the people he had killed. I guess he didn’t go to “Ultimatum” school for nothing.

I was very interested to see the name of this producer in the credits. I worked as key set PA on the first movie he directed. There was a lot of talk during the making of that movie that he did not know what he was doing. I think, basically, the problem was that he was kind of dorky in manner. For instance, when trying to boost people's spirits, he told the story about how, on "Jaws," the shark had hardly worked, but look how that movie had turned out! (Everyone who has taken a film appreciation class, or not even that, knows this story. I don't know why he thought it would help anyone to tell it.)

The producers had come from a theater background, and this was their first movie too. A lot of dumb decisions were made, and the experienced first assistant director would throw tirades over basics, like the proper way to establish a shot order so that you move the camera, set walls, and lights as little as possible. We were shooting much of it in a warehouse off Hwy 70 one July, and it was unairconditioned and blazing hot. They had this lousy AC unit on a trailer parked outside pumping cool air in via an insulated corrugated tube. We PA's had to move that tube around so that its opening was always at the top of the set wall where they were shooting. After a few days, that corrugated tube was shredding, and insulation was sticking to our sweaty arms and blowing in the air. We lost time one day when this actress got a piece of insulation in her eye. This was kind of my fault actually. I was on a ladder aiming the opening of the tube, and a grip looked up and said "don't point that down here when they turn it on." Just then, it came on, and debris that had loosened inside it during its last move shot out in a cloud, and something got in the actress' eye. I felt terrible, but no one really traced the incident back to me.

The director had a lot of his newbie friends from college working on it, and they also needed a lot of "breaking in." The seasoned key grip and best boy electrician called them "FOD's" or "Friends of [the director]."

One day, near the end of the production, I was crouching on the floor at the top landing of the Gothic stairway in this library when I looked up to see that the director was standing next to me, his rear end facing me. He was wearing his shirt untucked, so I clipped a clothespin to the bottom of his shirt. This is something people do to each other on sets. They clip clothespins to each other this way, so you walk around with a clip on your shirt without knowing it. It’s just about the only time I ever did it to someone.

Once, I drove the director and this producer, also working on the movie, to the airport. She kept telling him not to listen to certain people on the crew, to follow his vision, because he really had something special. I thought she was full of it. But now look who’s telling whom what to do. That director went on to direct lots of successful movies, and then to produce others, as you can see from his IMDB listing. Me, I’m still working on local car ads. But what can you say. The important thing is who you are, not what you do. I’m just glad all the pieces for my Rock’n’Roller cart with expandable shelf kit have come in. Now, when I work on those car ads, I don’t have to carry the gear all the time on my shoulders. I can set it on the cart and push it around. Man, that day would have been so much easier if I had had my cart then. Now I can’t wait for an opportunity to use it. Other folks say good audio is in the mics, the preamps, the recorder. I say it starts with the cart.

I think Archer knows this director from college. Archer, is this true?

Continue . . .

Saturday, July 28, 2007

A Meme of Past Glory II

12) I had another strange surge in popularity at another time in another place, when, at summer camp, I won the talent show for telling Steve Martin jokes. My 13) obsession with Steve Martin jokes had started when another member of our school carpool had told them. I had thought he was the funniest person I knew. So stole his game. I got the “Wild and Crazy Guy” album and memorized it and started telling Steve Martin jokes as well. By the time I was in full swing doing this, the other guy had changed schools and was no longer in our carpool, so he was not around to challenge me.


I told jokes I didn’t even get. One mother who sometimes drove the carpool thought I was hilarious and giggled as she drove.

In my second year at summer camp, the summer before seventh grade, I learned that I could gain prestige among my cabin mates by telling Steve Martin jokes while we were getting ready for bed in the evenings. One evening, our counselor told us that a talent show was coming and suggested I tell Steve Martin jokes for it. I didn’t want to at first, but a cabin mate said I should, that he would help me and coach me. So I wrote all the jokes out that I would tell and rehearsed them alone, and did a trial run in front of him. We figured out a point where I would ask the audience a question and he, as a plant, would yell out the answer.

At the talent show, other boys dressed up as women using soccer balls for boobs; they did the thing where one kid sits behind another and extends his arms and legs forward as if they are the limbs of the kid in front of him, and this “dual person” attempts to eat and brush his hair to the general entertainment of everyone watching. I’m sure, at some point, somebody wore a mop on his head. (This was a five-week, all-male camp. *shudder* 14) I went because there was nothing to do at home in the summertime, and because my mom had loved her summer camp back in her day. She had learned to love horses at her camp. 15) I had spent much of my very early childhood playing around a horse farm where my mother would go to ride, and I always thought that maybe, if someone had asked the horses how they felt about being ridden, they would give an answer the horseback riders did not want to hear. Anyway, by the time I went to camp I had already been put on a horse a few times, and I knew I did not like horseback riding. But I had to do it at camp. Thankfully this was not the focus of camp though. It was a general all-round sports, nature, character building camp for boys, with morning Christian devotions (16) this is where I learned the Lord’s Prayer). To be honest, I did get a lot of my character built in a good way there. But I had a lot of bad feelings, cried a lot, and do not associate the word “fun” with the experience. And really, so many of the kids were lacrosse players from the elite private school St. Christopher’s in Richmond, and had brought their own helmets and sticks and pads to camp, that a lot of the rustic atmosphere was undermined.)

A counselor told me later that, when I walked out on the stage, which was really the floor of the small barn which normally served as our wrestling arena (another sport I hated), he thought I was going to be a flop. It’s likely that most of the other audience members, all sitting on a grassy hill outside the barn looking into its open doors, thought so too. But I knew I had my supporter, my plant, with me in the audience, and, as with the ping-pong tournament, it did not occur to me that I might flop. I knew they would all laugh just as my carpool had, as my cabin mates had. And right from the first joke they started giggling. There were moments when I could hardly keep from laughing myself, probably mostly because I was giddy from all that positive attention, but partly because I was realizing anew that those Steve Martin jokes were pretty damn funny.

Mind you, I was never pretending that these were my jokes. I always said, “These are Steve Martin jokes.”

The next day, at lunch, I was awarded top prize for the talent show, which was a Coke. From the Coke machine. This was the best a camper could hope for in those days, at that camp. If you really did something noteworthy, like crawled under your cabin to get the bubble gum wrappers out (and you weren’t doing that as punishment for something else you had done) or rolled in the mud on a dare from a counselor, then you “got a Coke.”

Okay, that’s my meme in two parts.

Continue . . .

A Meme of Past Glory I

1) In elementary school I was always among the last picked for sports teams at recess. After school, I almost never played pickup sports with other kids. Instead I watched Batman on TV in the afternoons, Bewtiched, the Mickey Mouse club. And I read books. When I would go out, I would ride my bike alone and 2) usually did not really want to run into other kids because, perhaps, I was not socialized very well, and also because other kids were pretty much jerks anyway.


In my mid-elementary school years, 3) my main athletic outlet was playing ping ping-pong with my dad before supper. 4) My mom would be teaching piano lessons in the living room, and Dad would come home from work, come down to the basement, put the news on and play ping ping-pong with me. The ping ping-pong table was next to one of the basement’s white paneled walls, and we declared that banking the ball off this wall was legal, as long as the ball then bounced in the opponent’s court.

I’m trying to remember how this ping-pong playing was dovetailed with my own piano practice when I started lessons in fourth grade. Maybe I played ping-pong with Dad from when he got home after 5pm until Mom finished her last piano student around 6pm. Then she would make supper, and I would take my turn on the piano. We were nothing if not a musical household. Before Mom taught, Dad would be the one on the piano when he got home, playing Ragtime.

Ping-pong was fun, piano was not, but 5) I am known, to this day, to dutifully pursue projects ostensibly to deepen myself, even when I lack honest inspiration. I do this, in fact, sometimes when I should be looking for more work. It’s my tragic flaw, the basic thing that keeps me from truly kicking ass.

Our physical education coach at school was also the new soccer coach at Longwood College of which my elementary school (K-7) was a part as a lab school for training new teachers. We called this phys-ed teacher “Mr. P” because we could not pronounce his eastern European family name. He was from the Northeast and gave us the impression that folks from there all talked kind of tough and preceded every sentence with “’Ey!” as in, “’Ey Joey, quit foolin’ around.” My classmates who lived in Farmville, VA, where all this schooling was taking place, said that they could hear his shouts of “’Ey” wafting up Second Avenue in the afternoons from the soccer practice field.

It seems funny to me that this soccer coach who was hired to whip Longwood’s team into shape (and did so to a significant degree, if I recall correctly) and had a no-nonsense attitude about participation and team building in phys-ed class would start a ping-pong tournament. It was such a sideshow, geeky thing. The matches had to be held at lunchtime or after school, apart from normal phys-ed activities. The ping-pong table would be set up wherever it could be, in the lunchroom or school foyer, whichever was not being used at the time. There was never any ping-pong instruction during P.E.; whatever instruction we had needed to have been already gleaned by our own independent experience in life, which meant that some people were just screwed, and others were uncharacteristically lucky.

The tournament was for fifth, sixth, and seventh graders only. I was in sixth. I think I even was not sure that I wanted to enter the tournament. I was not competitive, I had never played Little League or any other sport, never even been to any of these games as a spectator to watch my classmates play. Some of them were home-run heros who had already perfected their Babe Ruth struts at the age of 11. They were arch-enemys when they faced each other on Friday nights from beneath the brims of their “Rotary,” “Jaycees,” “Moose”hats. They chewed Big League Chew and spat. You know, looking back, 6) I think that the biggest reason I never wanted to do Little League was that I didn’t want to sit on a bench with a bunch of sweaty boys who were spitting. I had never had to do this, and somehow, without ever experiencing it firsthand, I knew to avoid it.

All this athletic engagement was happening to other kids outside my realm of experience, often on Friday nights, when I would be at home watching The Incredible Hulk or whatever. So when I did finally enter my first athletic competition, I was very surprised at the low level of actual competition.

Mr. P was letting folks serve by bouncing the ball first, then tapping it over the net. I could top-spin these suckers back to their court and off to Venus. But I was fairly sensitive for a kid, and in my recollection, I didn’t abuse these opponents too badly.

There was this one serious dickhead “K” in my class who was also in the tournament. He would hit you when the teacher wasn’t looking, and at lunch he would take your yogurt from you. In earlier grades, like first through second grade, he had to wear a cast and brace on a leg that was healing from a nasty break. That took at least a year to heal, but like a dog adapting to loping on three legs, he learned to run with that one leg held rigid in its cast. He would lift it from the hip, heave it forward, slap it rattling to the ground, then sort of jump forward on his good leg. He was about as fast as anyone. He was also known to kick kids with that brace. By sixth grade he had been long healed from that, and he was excellent at all sports, so he was probably really good at ping-pong. I have no memory of playing against him though, so I expect he was beaten in some other bracket by someone else.

The person who beat him was probably severnth grader “T,” whom I played later in a semi-final match one Friday after school. By then the ping-pong tournament had become a big deal. Some players were becoming celebrities in their circles of friends, but I don’t recall much attention being paid to me around the time of that match. In general, 7) I was neither consistently an outsider or insider. For a period of a few days, I could be the object of the cool kids’ teasing; then, other times, I could be on the fringes of the “in” crowd, but then I usually kept my mouth shut, fearing that I would say something that would reveal my quirky outsider interests in sci-fi, books, fantasies.

This match was held in the lunch room after school on a Friday, and maybe 20 or so kids, teachers, a few parents were there to watch. They were mostly, I think, from “T’s” seventh grade class. Some of them even hung or sat in the colorful metal grillwork dividing the lunch room from the hallway bordering it. Normally teachers would immediately yell at anyone doing this, but in my recollection, nobody yelled that afternoon.

I don’t think I realized how good a player “T” was until we had gotten into the match a ways. He was damn good. He was the first opponent to deliberately place the ball certain places to confuse me, and to put spins on it. Early in the match I gave up trying to spin the balls back at him, because his spins combined with my spins were like mixing drugs and alcohol, and nothing good came of it. I ended up just trying to hold on, just return the damn ball, just keep it in play. That was all I could do. Man there were some long volleys too. And it never really occurred to me that I would lose. I mean, he was bigger than me, a seventh grader, probably a better ping-pong player when you get down to it; and he was someone I had heard the girls in my carpool from home to school, “K” and “E,” talking about in the hushed, awestruck tones they were learning about from reading Tiger Beat (remember, I was still watching Batman -- I was certainly not the subject of such conversation). But I had beaten the crap out of everyone that came before me and it just never occurred to me that I could walk away from a match having not won. It’s not that I had to muster all my will, or shut out distractions, or assume the Eye of the Tiger. It was just that I was sweating more, and my ass was against a wall, but that wall was blocking me from losing.

I recall actually running back from the table to catch up to balls going past me. Once I really did dive for a ball and roll on the tile floor, but I certainly lost that point. And in my memory, nobody on the sidelines was saying much -- not much cheering or clapping for either of us. It never occurred to me that they were mostly on “T’s” side, but I think they were. He probably really was expected to win.

My teacher from the previous year, Mrs. “B,” said to my Dad later that “T” just couldn’t get anything past me. I won, and everyone was pretty quiet about it, and our parents drove us home. I think maybe it was while going home that it first occurred to me that, “Jesus, that was a ball buster,” though I hardly had such descriptive language at my disposal at the time.

The final was to to be a few school days later, maybe middle of the next week. I was really uptight about it. The other finalist was “Th,” a fifth grader, a very short guy for his age who had an extremely sunny personality, whom everyone liked, who I don’t think was really teased much at all despite his shortness.

After “T”had been such a hard match, I figured it stood to reason that “Th” would be harder, so I made my Dad practice with me far more than he wanted to. He said, “Okay, but you’ll have to do the same for Sidletz.” 8) “Sidletz” (spelling?) was his word for the male child he presumed I would have someday. (Dad came from middle-income Cleveland, and whenever he needed a name for a generic person, someone I might call “Joe Six-Pack,” his name for such a person came out sounding German or Eastern European, like “Frankie Schnitzelhauser.”) I think that prerequisite to this presumption was another presumption, which was that I would date more as a young adult. Well, all I can say to Dad is, we learn to relate on emotional levels by following our parents’ example.

The final was to be held during the school day, with the fifth, sixth, and seventh grades taking their recess periods at the same time so they could all watch. The day started pretty normally, with us sixth graders coming in to our colorful room, hanging out among our desks before class was to start, taking our seats at the bell. The teacher was trying to start class when “J,” who tended to blut things out without forewarning, said, “Hey, today’s the championship!”

This had been the only thing on my mind that day. 9) Like so many things things that preoccupied me then and now, it was weighing heavily in my chest, and I had kept quiet about it. Bearing that emotional burden, I was suddenly also in the unusual position of having all eyes on me. And they were chanting my three letter, one syllable name like Eastern Bloc sports fans cheering a figure skater. The teacher motioned for them to stop, then quickly gave up and smiled and let it go on for maybe 30 seconds. And then our class finally calmed down, and in the relative quiet, we could hear the fifth graders through the wall chanting “Th’s” name.

The clowns in our class would not be outdone. “Let’s pick him up,” they said, and came at me, and I was sort of in shock, maybe a milder version of how I was 20 years later when 10) I was held up at gunpoint.

My chair was lifted with me in it. I knew this would be awkward, and an instant later, the mob realized this as well and separated me from the chair. I kind of wiggled to get away, and I was probably smiling by now. “W,” a huge guy who had been held back a grade, came up behind me and lifted me, and others joined him to carry me out into the hallway. Fifth graders heard the commotion, saw us, and went back to their room to carry “Th” as well. I was carried maybe only 50 feet or so down the hall, then set down, and we all went back to class and took our seats, flushed, as if coming back from recess.

“What would we do if [Elrond] were up against ‘K,’” one of the athletic boys said. He was referring to the dick who had once had the broken leg. “K” was slouched in his seat though, doing something in his lap, maybe playing one of those pocket video games. He looked up, looked back at the game. He had been out of the tournament for a while and had no interest in it.

I knew what they would have done if it were me against “K” in the finals. The louder, athletic kids would have favored him, and some quieter ones would have supported me. Our class would have been divided. Aware of this sectarian split, there would not have been much pre-game cheering for either of us, but the athletic boys would have slapped Hi-Fives with “K” behind the divider leading to the sink and coat closet area, and I might have come around the corner to find them leaning against the counter there. I would have stopped, sensing I was not welcome, and they would have pushed past me, punching my shoulder as they went by, not punching very hard, but enough to possibly 11) make me cry depending on my emotional makeup of the moment.

From the first volley, I found “Th” to be no match for me. I could not believe he had made it to the finals. As expression of my disbelief, I smashed a few of his lousy serves into the corners of his court, then restrained myself to winning the rest of the points without fanfare.

Afterwards, back in class, “E” the Tiger Beat reader, who happened to have a seat next to me, something I found rather thrilling even that year, was kind of cold toward me for a while. Then she said, “Gah, you didn’t have to kill him. You could have let him get a few points.”

I had some sinister reaction I could not voice, but now, in adulthood, I can. It is, “’K’ got to kick kids with his leg brace and take our yogurt from us. ‘J’ gets to disrupt class whenever he wants. Other ‘J’ gets to come into the room on Monday morning and hold his hands in the air, making peace signs, because of his home runs he hit the previous Friday. ‘T’ gets the girls talking about him in hushed tones. But I don’t get to kick someone’s ass in ping-pong? Well tough shit. I kicked it. But don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll go back to being mostly inconsequential now. I won’t be any more trouble to your sense of justice."

Continue . . .

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Dude, Grow Your Own

This Fourth of July, Elrond Hubbard celebrates the proud Americans who look at the sorry state of everything and say, “Fuck it. We’ll grow it ourselves.”

‘Cause let’s face it, folks. The world is going to Hell faster than you can say Larsen B Ice Shelf; to shit faster than you can say National Pork Producers Council.

Elrond Hubbard knows he does his part, driving an SUV. And he knows he consumes a buttload of gas in it, what with all his driving to Raleigh to pick up gear, taking it to Sanford or Rolesville or Chocowinity to shoot a video, and taking it back to Raleigh. And while he’s on the road, he consumes an assload of fast food.

He sits in left-turn lanes in Cary wondering where it all ends. Everyone takes twice as long to get to work now because they have to stop in at Starbucks. This means more people turning left, more assholes gunning back out into traffic, more cars idling in drive-throughs, more windshields out there at once reflecting glare into each other like infinity mirrors facing across the intersections.

Elrond Hubbard looks into that heat at 8:00 AM, when it’s already 90 degrees and hazy, and he thinks that all we are doing in the Middle East is stirring the stew. Call him un-patriotic. Call him un-supportive of our troops. Tell him he doesn’t deserve to watch fireworks on Independence Day because he does not honor the war to which they allude. Though we are continually told we are bringing fundamental change to the region, Elrond Hubbard finds himself agreeing with Fred Kaplan’s warning on Slate that, for all the times Bush repeats it, “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to say.”

George Will sees virtually no realistic alternatives to paying high prices for oil from the Middle East. If we really look like we’re getting in to alternative fuels, he says, the Saudis will just lower oil prices to make potential investing in alternative fuels look less appealing. Anyway, where in our lifestyle are the worst impacts to the environment accrued? Perhaps not so much with carbon dioxide from conventional cars, but in the nitrous oxide and methane, as well as carbon dioxide, emitted in the production and delivery of a hamburger; or the stripping of land by the mining of zinc to make batteries for hybrids, he says.

Elrond Hubbard looks into the smog of hopelessness and thinks that the road to true change is paved not by hardliners with their cries for more war, or by those resigned to the status quo, but industrious folks who don’t waste time preaching about how people ought to live and instead look at what we need and say, “Fuck it. Let's just grow it.”

Friend and utilitarian "G" once lived with Elrond Hubbard. Now he runs a non-profit company New Harvest which plans to someday grow meat as tissue culture, relieving the world and its animals of much of the burden and suffering of factory farming.

Cultured meat isn't natural, but neither is yogurt," says [“G” in an interview with Wired.] And neither, for that matter, is most of the meat we eat. Cramming 10,000 chickens in a metal shed and dosing them full of antibiotics isn't natural. I view cultured meat like hydroponic vegetables. The end product is the same, but the process used to make it is different. Consumers accept hydroponic vegetables. Would they accept hydroponic meat?

Meanwhile, PetroSun Inc. has been growing crude oil from carbon dioxide taken out of the atmosphere, in an industrial algae farm of a sort which does not need to be located on cropland, in Opelika, Alabama, which is not in the Middle East. In August of 2007, the company will hold a three-day demonstration of their facility for invited guests who will need to sign non-disclosure agreements. Guests will be presented with samples of this home-grown crude oil which they can test in their own facilities. PetroSun should invite George Will. The company expects to begin selling crude oil to the biofuel industry in the first quarter of 2008. What could be more patriotic than that?

Continue . . .

Saturday, June 30, 2007

How to Talk to a Neoconservative (If You Must)

You are washing dishes at the kitchen sink with your step-mother “J” next to you. From the dining room, you hear the first two anti-terrorism propositions related in the previous post, and you get pissed.

You know that “J” does not like political discussions in the family. Once, in the past, you had a raging argument with your father in her presence, and later she told you it was not good for his blood pressure. But another time, Christmas Eve of 2005 to be exact, you stayed up until 3 AM talking to her about why we went to war in Iraq. She had just read America’s Secret War by George Friedman, and her favorite reason for the war was his assessment, in chapter 11, that the source of al Qaeda’s sentiment and funding was really Saudi Arabia, but that we could not attack that country directly and also could not count on it to police al Qaeda itself. So, we needed to stage a victory against some Arab country to show our strength and persuade Saudi Arabia to come back into strong alliance with us.

It would be interesting to know how she feels about this now. While we may have wanted Saudi Arabia to fear our military might and our “freedom,” what they may actually fear is our ability to iraquidate a country, plunge it into chaos that neither we nor it can control. In Iraq we have been like a little kid playing a board game who sees no better option than to upset the board and scatter the pieces.

Of all your parents (two step-, two biological), you feel closest to “J.” She may harbor basic conservative values about God, family, and country, but you know from the fact that she likes all the short story collections you buy for her for Christmas that she understands irony, can accept ambiguity, does not cling to dogma. And she has been relatively silent about U.S. relations in the Middle East lately. You think that maybe she agrees with you more on some issues now, maybe understands your suspicion from the moment our tanks rolled into Iraq that the U.S. does not know what it is doing. But she will not take your side vocally either, because of your father’s blood pressure and whatnot. So you think, standing next to her at the sink, that she does not want you to get involved in the conversation in the next room. But then you hear from the next room the third ridiculous neocon proposal for fixing the Middle East described in the previous post, and you leave the sink and go in.

Step-sister-in-law “E” is running her rant about how we should give safe haven to the women of Iraq, for surely they want the education we would provide to enable them to take control of their own lives. You interrupt. You tell her this sounds like the past neocon scheme hatched in the late ‘90’s to invade southern Shiite Iraq, protect the Shiites from Saddam, let them start the democracy that neocons were certain they would start. Such an arrangement, according to neocons, would be devastating to Saddam’s regime.

“E” puts her hand on your forearm and gives you, surprisingly, an understanding look. She knows how you disagree with her. Three summers ago you said that our country had been hoodwinked into supporting this war, and she said the WMD issue was “academic,” that an evil dictator had been ousted, that she could not count on Democrats to defend her family. Two summers ago she had said that we had to spread self determinism in the Middle East, that it was the only way to protect ourselves, that we were doing it for them, but really we were doing it for ourselves. One summer ago (when she was reading some collection of writings of St. Thomas Aquinas) she said, out of nowhere, that she would not talk about politics.

This summer she is reading A Christian Manifesto and is apparently willing to talk about politics again.

You tell her all neocon expectations for the Iraq war were based on presumptions. Neocons presumed that Iraqi Shiites were ready to start a democracy. Some presumed that if they open up Iraq as a completely free market, that the country would blossom as an example for the rest of the world. But also, you say, some neocons presumed that Iraqi Shiites would accept the Jordanian monarchy as their rule (not a democracy!) as stated by David Wurmser in an essay called “Clean Break” excerpted here at the Institute for Advanced Strategic and Political Studies. Still other neocons wanted to install Chalabi and other members of the Iraqi National Congress as the new government. For information on this, see George Packer’s The Assassin’s Gate chapters 3 and 4, or Juan Cole here. Both sources do not give any outright quotes from anyone saying the wanted to install Chalabi and the exiles, but there is strong evidence implying that this is true.

You’ve raised your voice at “E.” Tell her that, with respect to each of the neocon presumptions, the invasion of Iraq has had the opposite of the desired effect. Tell her that concurrently to our military involvement in Iraq, that country has become one of the biggest incubators of terrorism the world has ever known. If she wants to continue espousing neocon ideology, it would behoove her to explain what we can do from here forward to reverse this awful trend of increasing terrorism.

She says that we have to stick with it, that we can’t expect positive results so soon. Ask her if she believed Rumsfeld when he said we would be out in 6 months.

“Did he say that?” she says.

And did she believe Wolfowitz when he said we could do it with 150,000 troops?

She looks away. “I didn’t know that.”

Ask her what planet she has been living on. Tell her that, continuing the parade of neocon presumptions, William Kristol and Robert Kagan are now presuming that the turning against al Qaeda by moderate Sunni tribes is a sign that things are going well. Note that, while these genius writers had once cast their lot with Iraqi Shiites, now it is with Sunnis. Ask her what happened the last time the U.S. supported Sunni tribes against a common enemy.

She doesn’t know.

Tell her those were the precursors of al Qaeda. (Read Ghost Wars by Steve Coll.)

Tell her you read at least one article per week in The Weekly Standard and The National Review. Ask her if she reads anything outside the conservative media, and she admits she does not.

She starts on the comparison to the American Revolution. “I believe that every human ultimately wants self determinism,” she says. “I believe that democracy is what all people are striving for.”

Tell her you are not an expert on the American Revolution, but ask her if, before we started that war, our thirteen colonial governments were not pretty much running things for themselves. Ask her if it would have worked for France to invade the American colonies, kick England out, and then continue to occupy us and guide us to forming a democracy.

“No, that would not have worked,” she says.

Tell her that before we invaded Iraq, George Packer wrote a New York Times article called Dreaming of Democracy (free account required) which contained the following paragraph:

The chances of democracy succeeding even in Iraq under American occupation are highly questionable, [Thomas] Carothers [of the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace] argues. War seldom creates democracy; according to a recent article in The Christian Science Monitor, of the 18 regime changes forced by the United States in the 20th century, only 5 resulted in democracy, and in the case of wars fought unilaterally, the number goes down to one -- Panama. Democracy takes root from within, over a long period of time, in conditions that have never prevailed in Iraq. For democracy to have a chance there would require a lengthy and careful American commitment to nation-building -- which could easily look to Iraqis and other Arabs like colonialism. Nor can we be sure that democracy, in Iraq or elsewhere, will lead to pro-American regimes; it might lead to the opposite. ''The idea that there's a small democracy inside every society waiting to be released just isn't true,'' Carothers says. ''If we're pinning our hopes on the idea that this will lead to a democratic change throughout the region, then we're invading for the wrong reason.'' Jessica T. Mathews, president of the Carnegie Endowment, adds, '''We've suffered so much that the only alternative is democracy' -- as soon as you say it, you realize there's a mile between the beginning and end of that sentence.''

“E” starts on her World War II analogy: we have to fight, we can’t let totalitarianism remain as a threat to us.

Ask her what WWII had that the Iraq war does not have. Tell her it was post war reconstruction. This was why Germany and Japan did not continue to wage war against their neighbors after WWII. This was what has been sorely lacking in the Iraq war.

“Then that’s the State Department’s fault,” she says, and you cut her off. No. The Pentagon suppressed State Department planning for post-war Iraq because it felt that such planning would delay our invasion. (Read The Assassin’s Gate chapters 3 and 4.)

The beach house has been vacated; all other family members are out on the beach. “E” wants to go out there too, so you both go, and while walking along the boardwalk over the barrier dune, she says “Look, I know Rumsfeld was an arrogant jerk.”

Tell her you are very sorry that the Bush administration has screwed up her dreams for a new Middle East. Remind her that at any time, Rumsfeld could have been fired by a discerning president.

“J” walks past you quickly while you are saying this, does not speak to you. You’ve been wondering if she will ask you to stop, but she does not.

Out on the beach, the kids and adults are waving flashlights around or venturing into the darkness to look for crabs. Tell “E” that you hope our country has learned something from our experience in Iraq: that if we invade a country and oust its government, then that whole country becomes our problem; that we can not predict the outcome of an invasion, particularly if we don’t make a very earnest and well-informed investment in the well-being of the people we intend to liberate; that regardless of how much we love freedom and democracy, we can not control how a population will vote, and it is the pseudo democracies of Iraq, Iran, and the Palestinians that are causing more trouble than the entrenched dictatorships of Saudi Arabia and Jordan.

Tell her that next time she wants to “help” the people of a country, she needs to first learn all she can about those people, and not just assume that some “Thomas Jefferson” will arise in their midst and steer them toward becoming like us.

You hope, in light of all this, that she does not want to invade Iran.

“No, I don’t want to invade Iran,” she says. “That would be stupid. But we should bomb Damascus into glass,” she says.

WTF? “I can’t believe you said that,” you say. “That is evil.”

She takes it back. “But Syria is totally useless,” she says.

Tell her that Syria is a big “middle manager” in all this. They are not a source of fundamentalism, nor of oil. Their “president” is secular, a former ophthalmologist working in Paris who was called home by his father to succeed him. (All this comes from George Friedman’s America’s Secret War chapter 11.) Syria has its interest in Lebanon, and it has an interest in making money, and it probably enjoys seeing us bogged down in Iraq. Syria is not to be trusted, but should be talked to, because talking is cheaper than fighting, and anyway, as I said, hasn’t our experience in Iraq taught us something about fighting? And mostly, throughout the whole Middle East, people are just trying to live their lives -- make bread, wash clothes, keep a job, raise food, raise kids. A nuclear attack on some population because of it’s dumbass government would be a despicable act and would surely earn us more enemies than it would kill, would kill far more than just our enemies, and earn us the increased distrust of what allies we have left now. Even William Kristol has described himself (to Stephen Colbert) as a no-nuke-neocon.

“E’s” husband “M” comes over. He is holding her toddler son who, “M” says, has been looking for her. “E” turns her attention to him, and you tell her thanks for talking, tell her to read Informed Comment, which she says she will.

You don’t think she will. She will run across his occasional emotionally charged Bush-bashing, and she will write him off as a crazy liberal.

While this discussion has been going heatedly, the rest of the family has been on the fringes, minding its own business -- finishing the dishes, getting the kids ready to go out to the beach, crabbing. None of their comments from political discussions of past summers entered this one -- not the plea “There have been no terrorist attacks since 9/11” as a justification for the Iraq war; not your father’s mantra, “We have to kill them all. Innocent people will die, but that is the way it has been for thousands of years”; not “We have to fight them at the source,” which everyone knows is not what we are doing.

Back in the beach house later, only your father and "J” are in the living room, working a puzzle. You are in the upstairs loft which overlooks the living room when they ask “E” how the discussion went. She says, “Your son is very engaging and well informed,” and you wonder if she knows you are listening.

The thing about neocons is, they want to keep the discussion in the abstract. That is where ideology lies. So, hit them with specifics that they can’t address. And see if they do address it. Give them a chance and listen, ‘cause you might learn something. But be prepared to blow apart the usual comparisons to WWII and the American Revolution, and remember to identify their presumptions as just that, and remind them of how their past presumptions have turned out to be invalid. If all they know comes from Rupert Murdoch outlets (“The Weekly Standard” and “Fox News”) then you’ve got them right where you want them.

Here’s another pro-war mantra that didn’t come up in this discussion. “We can’t cut and run.” Your repsonse for this is, “We can’t keep pretending a generation four war is a generation three war.” This will likely stymie them if they have not read Thomas Hammes’ The Sling and the Stone, a discussion of why insurgents, from communists in China and Vietnam to the Sandinistas to the Iraqis, have been fought ineffectively by superior military powers. I have not finished it yet, but I look forward to posting on it soon.

Continue . . .

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Fresh Ideas from Family Beach Week for the Middle East

Step-brother-in-law “R” retold some story about nuclear war that he had gotten somewhere. Do any of you know where this came from? Some movie or short story?

“R” said that in the story, the president is out speaking in some town in America. News comes in of a nuclear missile launch against us from the Middle East. The president and his entourage order retaliatory strikes against the locations that have attacked us; then they leave the town for the safety of the countryside. They find some country restaurant and make that their base of operations. Americans in the restaurant have already seen news of both missile launches on TV, and they are understandably worried. The president tells them everything will be okay. The missiles launched at us, and ours launched in retaliation, are shown as computer graphics on the TV so everyone can watch. American cities are shown to be blown up in computer graphics. The same goes for locations in the Middle East from which the missiles came. Everyone in the restaurant is dismayed except for the president, who tells them again that everything is okay.

Then live video feeds start coming in from the American cities that had been shown to be destroyed. They are unharmed. The missiles launched at us had been duds. But ours launched at the Middle East were real, and those places that launched duds at us are destroyed.

We had made those duds and pretended to lose them in the Middle East to see who would use them against us.

“R” related this story in complete earnestness.

“Oh yeah,” said step-brother “M.” “Just rig a bunch of explosives to blow up when they are being made into IED’s, and let them fall into terrorists’ hands.”

Step-sister-in-law “E” said, “We need to educate their women.” She said their women are sick and tired of being beaten and held back by their husbands. We need to round them up and put them in a safe place, and teach them how to run their own businesses. That would be the thing to do next to begin transforming the Middle East. “’Islam’ means ‘submission,’” she said, smacking one hand into the other. “We should bomb them and educate their women.”

I swear I’m not making this up.

June 28 addendum: Oh, and I forgot to mention, before all this happened, they had the Chronicles of Narnia showing on DVD for the kids. I watched it too because I had not seen it yet, and I had loved the books as a child. While watching, the daughter of aforementioned "E," who, I must mention, is named "Jordan" after a Middle Eastern country, exclaimed, "Aslan is like Jesus except that Jesus was resurrected after three days, and Aslan was resurrected after one day." Her father, aforementioned "M," said, "That's right Honey."

Speaking of the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, I give it the same assessment I give David Lynch's adaptation of Frank Herbert's classic Dune. Both have great acting and begin with a rich portrayal of the story. In the case of Dune, much of the richness lies in the production design; in Lion, it is in the wonderful casting and performances of the four kids and all the talking animals, the quick and clear building of the story (because, after all, you have to keep kids' attention), the sinister feel of Narnia in winter, the amazing performance of Tilda Swinton as the evil witch. But both movies lose their richness two-thirds of the way through and degenerate into buildup to war and clash between armies. Important events near the end are subsumed by action sequences, and despite these movies' initial nourishment, the sensitive viewer is left with a feeling of having eaten too much cotton candy.

Continue . . .

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

We Take Time Out for this Important Service Announcement

I worked on this PSA which is running on TV now.


The producers/directors were really nice folks from DC who normally work at high stress making campaign videos on even-numbered years, and do stuff like this on odd-numbered years. I got the impression that they mostly do Democrats' campaigns 'cause they kept talking about working with Clinton, but I'm not sure how it really works. Maybe, up there, an agency doesn't care whom it's working for; or, on the other hand, maybe agencies have to pledge allegiance to one party or another because suspicions of double-crossing could run high. (Down here, I've seen it both ways -- a company that handles only Democrats, and another company that was known once to have competing candidates in their business at the same time -- one in the conference room, one in the editing room, neither knowing the other was using the same company.) Despite the suspected leaning toward Democrats, I think I overheard one of the DC guys saying that he would probably vote Republican in the next election. But in the next breath he said that he didn't know what to do about Iraq, that probably we would have to buy someone off over there. From recent reports, it looks like we're already buying off moderate Sunni tribes who are fighting al Qaeda. Anyone remember what happened the last time we paid for Sunnis to fight an enemy of ours?

Early that morning, we local crew members arrived in our respective cars well ahead of the out-of-town folks, who ran late. I got out of my car squinting into sunlight spread into a blazing wide, white wall by light fog hanging over the fields. I started putting on sunscreen before saying "Hi" to any of the others standing by their cars, but before I had been there long, the farmer came right up to me in silhouette against the white fog and gave me a warm welcome to his farm. That really started the day off well. He was really patient with me wrapping an ace bandage around his belly under his shirt and clipping the transmitter there. His son, who appears in the video, was a wonderful kid, very cooperative, had pretty much the same forthright way with people that his dad had.

We spent forever on that shot where they are spraying the tractor. The DC folks sent out their assistant to buy various sprinkler heads for the hose, and we stood around waiting for her to return. They never did get the light to catch in the spray as well as they wanted.

All day long, the headphone feed for audio track 1 in the camera was flaking out. I couldn't bear to listen to it. Luckily, we didn't really need two tracks and two mics for just one guy's voice, but I recorded two mics/tracks anyway and only listened to track 2. I'm really glad I didn't have two or more people talking on camera because this would have required both tracks to be monitored. It was a rental camera from DC, and they never check those things out before sending them out again, probably. Especially not the audio parts.

I had the second foray of my life into migrant farmworker housing. That was where the bathroom was. The dwelling was a cinderblock building with a concrete floor, maybe a fraying cable-knit rug in the living room, awful smelly couches losing their stuffing, television playing telenovellas even while noone was home to watch, sagging beds -- cots, really -- with paint chipped on their metal frames, mildew in the corners of the hallway near the bathroom, merely a shower curtain over the bathroom doorway and no curtain over the shower stall itself, scary holes chipped into the corners of the bathroom walls and the shower stall harboring rich black growths of mildew, toilet and sink all dirty with chipped porcelain, no soap, a mildewy pull-string on a bare lightbulb overhead. Maybe there were no screens over the open windows.

At siesta time, the farmworkers came back to this dwelling, riding in the back of a pickup truck. I had expected them to be young scrawny guys, the kind of folks I imagine might be relatively willing to tolerate these accommodations as long as they could head to town on the weekend to let loose a little. But they were middle aged, a bit on the rotund side, all with straw hats and matching blue button-down shirts and blue jeans, all pretty clean looking. In my quick sighting of them, they did not appear to be the types to let loose much at all. I imagined them going out to eat on a Saturday, cheaply, and sitting around with beers watching other people let loose, but not doing much themselves. They would know how to pace themselves. The austerity of life would help with that -- with so little to do, nothing around but the fields you work in, you don't feel a need to rush off to do something else. You take your time, pace yourself so you don't wear out too soon. When you've been doing this work a few years, as I think they have, you get more done while moving slower anyway. At midday, they lie around on whatever bed or couch they find at the house and watch the blinged-out babes on TV. Same for evenings, I guess. I don't know how they get food on the farm. I don't think I saw a kitchen in the house.

Continue . . .